taking care

my boyfriend and i broke up last week. we'd been together over three years - the longest i've been with anyone by a very long stretch. we're working out how to be friends - he's so important to me and i want to be friends.
i spent my entire life taking care of my mother's feelings, because she couldn't. then i took care of john's feelings, because he couldn't. now i have no one to take care of other than myself and i believe that it is time for me to take care of me and only me as i become more and more ready for my new life.
i've cut my hair into what i dub my "nun haircut." i've stopped coloring my hair for the first time since i was 19 years old. i've stopped wearing make up. and now i've left my romantic relationship.
in my past, i used to try to fill up the god-sized hole in my life with a man. i used to look to men to make everything better for me, everything from my past. i stopped doing that several years ago. now i have a man-sized hole instead of a god-sized hole. that is more manageable.
i truly believe that when something leaves our lives, there is that much more room for the universe to fill up that space with something better. i think that space is more room for me. more room for god.
i want to go to bulembu as early as possible. maybe by my next vacation, which is during lent. i would love to be in africa for lent.

sitemeter

i have this application on this blog called sitemeter. it captures information about the people who look at the blog. i can't see anyone's name or address, but i can see where they are from and what they typed into a google search or whatever that got them to my blog. a lot of people get to my blog by typing in "th words" and "if mohammed can't come to the mountain." i also know that my ex-boyfriend from a village of 850 souls in county clare, ireland is looking at my blog occasionally, and since i can't find him (when you google jen goodnow you get this blog. when you google michael o'sullivan you get way way too much stuff) i reached out via the blog to ask him to email me so i can apologize for the past.
the other thing i've noticed is that people from all over the world read this blog. i find that fascinating beyond belief. people from saudi arabia, australia, europe, africa - not so many south americans or asians.
frequently people from lambeth, england read the blog. that causes me to believe it's the archbishop of canterbury's secret police. that the anglican version of the da vinci code people are checking up on all the blogging anglicans in the world. i'm sure it's some bored administrator in lambeth palace who thought, "what would happen if it typed into a search engine ...?" but it's a little creepy.

fostering fears

i have to take 30 hours of parenting classes to get certified so i can foster a child. every time i go to class i think of a new worst case scenario. last week it was, "what if she's in a gang?" as a single woman, i'm not sure if i can handle some of the possible issues like - what if she abandons her baby in my home? what if she hurts my pets? what if she hurts me?
i am the only white person in the class. there's only one man, so i almost feel a kind of kindred with him because not an opportunity to rip men apart passes by unused. the antipathy towards white people does not go spoken (until last week) so i can only feel the vibe from some people. it makes me upset, hurt, angry. but, i also feel naive for experiencing racism and prejudice for the first time by the age of 38. what if i and my neighborhood are too white for this girl? it's pretty white here. i am pretty white. i'm so white, i'm an episcopalian for crying out loud!
it reminds me of my own racism. i'm not naive enough to pretend that i hold absolutely zero racism in my heart. as the song from avenue q goes, everyone's a little bit racist.
if i foster a black teenager and her baby, will racism be removed from me? if i live in africa in my vocation and work with aids orphans, will the racism be removed?
one of my favorite gospel stories is the canaanite woman who asks christ for healing for her daughter and he says it is not good to take the children's bread and throw it to the dogs. she has a quick wit and replies "Yes, Lord; but even the dogs feed on the crumbs which fall from their masters' table." and he tells her she has great faith and heals her daughter. to me that means that jesus learns and learns from a woman - a foreign or different woman no less. as a child i believed that jesus was perfect and always perfect. as an adult, i encounter a jesus who can learn, who can change his attitude, his prejudice. this is one of the reasons i am a christian (as opposed to say, a buddhist). jesus, son of man, has humanity, makes mistakes, but is open-hearted enough to learn and enlarge his heart. christ is a good model for me to follow.

how many earths am i using?

i've been hearing about this game on npr called consumer consequences. the idea is that you play a "game" and answer questions about your consumer use to see how many planet earths it would take to sustain the population if everyone on earth lived like you. i am pretty green and even with my cutbacks - i don't buy anything new, i unplug everything in my home when i'm not using it and cut my gas and electric bill in half, i buy only local and organic food - if everyone lived like me it would take 1.7 planets to sustain us. uh-oh.
here's the link. i highly encourage you to play it. it shows your score but then offers suggestions for how to improve your score/consumer lifestyle.
consumer consequences

mother-child fostering

i am applying to foster a teenager. i decided a teenager made sense because by the time i'm ready to go to a convent the child will have aged out of foster care. one of the options with a teenager is a teen in foster care who has had a baby. it's called mother-child fostering.
i went to my first class on parenting a foster child. i have to complete 30 hours of training. i was the only white person out of 21 participants. almost everyone else had fostered unofficially (family members and their kids' friends) or officially. is it a cultural thing that white people don't do foster so much? i felt like i was representing god's frozen people.
i have so many concerns, worries, and fears around this that i have decided to turn over each step along the path towards fostering to god. first i have to take these classes. i have to get certified and licensed and that requires multiple steps. i will just keep turning it over.
what if the child is so angry that she is violent with me, my dog, or my rabbit?
what if she abandons her baby with me and runs away?
what if she hates me and is mean?
what if my race, neighborhood, culture is all too white for her and she is miserable?

i am trying to think also what if we make a happy family? what if she's scared? what if she's gentle and shy? what if she's vulnerable and needs help? what if she's happy here? i'm trying to imagine that. happy families with teen, baby, puppy, bunny, backyard, park, school, church.

last sunday at grace cathedral

last week i went to church at grace catherdral where i heard mary haddad preach this sermon on beauty, taize, and the movie, cabaret. this was appropriate for me b/c i saw the movie cabaret when i was 3 years old (i'd like to say i came from a progressive family, i really was raised by wolves however) and i decided to be sally bowles when i grew up. so, i went to prague and i did become sally for a while.
i enjoyed grace cathedral, but the next time i go to s.f. i'm going to st. gregory of nyssa which has really amazing icons all throughout the space and is totally hip and liberal and joyous. sometimes i get bogged down by the tradition and god's frozen people-ness of the episcopal church.

vaca. in calif.

here's me on the beach at sant cruz.
i had wanted to go to zimbabwe for my summer vacation to visit the convent of Chita che Zvipo Zve Moto in zimbabwe, but, zimbabwe seems to be on the verge of a coup or anarchy so instead i went to california! i have travelled through europe and asia but i have never been to california. i went to san francisco for four days, then took the green tortoise bus tour down the coast to l.a. for three days. i highly recommend green tortoise for bus tours all over the u.s. esp. if you are a neo-hippie/greenie who doesn't hate camping. turns out i hate camping. who knew? i'd never been camping before. i will however do another g.t. tour b/c you can sleep on the bus which is retrofitted with beds.
i met a lot of fun people and had a great time. i did not share my vocation b/c i notice that when that comes up, people treat me weird like, they apologize if they curse in front of me - forgetting that i have the mouth of a sailor. people from non-religious countries (unlike this one) also think that means i'm a biblical literalist/religious fascist which is a bummer. i hope that when i do find a convent and enter an order that i will be the nun who changes people's minds about nuns. there are so many stereotypes that really no longer fit any nun i've met.
i'm just now starting to get itchy for the convent. i've been spending the last couple of years looking for the right order (still doing that, next vaca. will be in swaziland to visit bulembu ). i'm starting to become dissatisfied a little. there's more out there for me and i'm becoming ready for it.
meanwhile, school starts, student loans need paying, life goes on.

bunny bun bun's near death experience

i thought a bunny was a really low-maintenance pet. then i took him to the vet to clip his teeth which he was not successfully gnawing down. the vet (so nice, from no. ireland near where i used to live) gave me a wake up call on that. i'll tell you, you read that www.rabbit.org website once and you'll be having bunny heart attacks daily thinking your bunny is dying. now i know why they have so many babies. their bunny morbidity rate is pretty high.
s'anyway, bunny stopped pooping. this is bad, bad, bad. if bunnies don't poop, they don't eat and if they don't eat for 12 hours THEY DIE INSTANTLY! i'm sayin'.
but, i got bunny to the vet just in the nick of time and i'm shoving medecine down his gullet twice a day and he's much better. hippity hopping around the apartment and backyard again. phew.
i guess, come the fall, i'll bring bun to my classroom, as long as none of the kids are allergic. i'll have to do it on a low-teaching day, like the first week or the day before thanksgiving vacation. because, i could be on fire and those kids wouldn't notice or care when there's a bunny in the class.
i'm going on vaca. to california next week. i've never been to cali. i'm looking forward to it. i'm doing four days in s.f. and then taking a hippie, vegetarian, pot-smoking bus tour down the coast to l.a. i'll see cannery row, the monterey bay aquarium, the hearst castle. there's communal cooking at night and we camp. i've never been camping. i'm a real city slicker so this should be an adventure. i might even smoke some pot. i heard that it's all genetically modified now. i won't eat gmo food, so i doubt i'll smoke gmo weed. i never really smoked anyway, in my sordid youth.

vacation's all i've ever wanted. vacation, have to get away!

look at me! two postings in as many days. it's obviously getting to summer vacation. tomorrow is the last day (!!!!!). i'm planning many wonderful things for my summer - making extra money by working - not teaching, rather, observing new teaching fellows teach in summer school. i'm going to use the money to pay off the little bit of debt i have and go to san francisco on vacation in august.
this weekend i'm going to the community of the holy spirit at their house in brewster, ny. this is where the true hippies who became nuns live. i'm going to spend sat. night at their full moon fireside - explanation below.
i hope to spend more time with the sisters this year, esp. as i'll be fostering one or two children soon. i'll need all the spiritual resources i can get!

"Full Moon Firesides" at St. Cuthbert's are relaxed, focused evenings of conversation. Each evening is held on the night of the full moon for that month, which not only recognizes the moon's phase changes, but also allows the meeting to occur on a different day of the week. We hope this enables more people to join us.

We begin with a half hour of drumming, then a half-hour of meditation, followed by an evening where we can learn together what it means to be a powerful, responsible species on Earth. We'll explore some of Brian Swimme's work, throw in some cooking fun in the kitchen, and generally enjoy being "bio-spiritual creatures" together!

Join us for any part of any evening — or come to everything! If you're interested, e-mail us to have your name added to our e-mail notification list.

gay pride

today was the gay pride march in nyc. this year, spiritual and religious groups went up at the front. i went with my church. it was great fun and very moving.
living in such a liberal place as nyc and in such a liberal diocese i rarely see first-hand the strife that is occuring in the episcopal church. i only hear about it on the news. today i only saw one very small group of people declaring homosexuality to be a sin. i mean, there were maybe 6 people huddled together praying in that group.
sour pusses.
one thing that does give me pause is how easy or difficult it might be for me to live in africa (which is where i'd like to live and work in my vocation as a religious and a teacher/child care-giver). i hear that regular every day people in africa are not too fussed about any issues dealing with sexual orientation. they are just trying to get by and don't have the "luxury" of such problems. but, will the american church pull away from the anglican communion? do i want to be part of the anglican communion if they aren't accepting? these are problems that will reveal their natures as i get closer to my time. i still have to find a convent!
a sister from order of the holy paraclete emailed me recently about their orphanage in swaziland. it has moved to a new site called bulembu village, out of which is run bulembu ministries. i'd like to go visit there next summer.
first, i have a lot to do here. paying my student loans is one of them. you can't go into a convent with debt.
i'm going to an orientation to foster a child or two children. this is something i've been wanting to do before i go. i wish i could have 5 lifetimes to do all i want to (live in spain, foster children, live in africa, be a nun).
i'll write more frequently as summer vacation is coming soon.

bunny bun bun

i got a pet bunny recently. my dog loves him. it's like the dog's pet bunny.

just for today ...

i'm thinking of becoming an atheist!
i ran my church's street fair today - our biggest fundraiser.
i keep thinking of the expression, work smarter, not harder. we're not doing that at my church.
i'm on the vestry. i teach sunday school. i'm in charge of welcoming newcomers. i'm the streetfair co-chair.
what do atheists do with their free time?
i'll bet they sit in outdoor cafes on the weekends.
when i was young, and not going to church so regularly, i used to sit in cafes. now, i pass by cafes while rushing to yet another event or meeting and look longingly at people sitting outside, reading the times.
even if i was an atheist, i'd probably be a really busy one.
fortunately for me, this was my last year on the street fair, and my vestry term ends in jan. '08.

where did that nice man go?

whenever my boyfriend, john, leaves the house, my dog, music, is bereft. music loves john in a way that i never will. i often say that music is actually john's girlfriend, and that i am the nice lady john has to spend time with so that he can be with music. if i were going to describe this using a ratio, like i did in high school math, i would say that john is to music as jesus is to me. he is her god. when he goes out the door, even for a carton of milk around the corner for 5 minutes, she is deflated.
today, when i got to church, i saw the altar stripped, the eucharist that was consecrated last night was on our side chapel altar. i sat for an hour of "adoration" although i'm not a transubstantialist. as i sat there, thinking of jesus dying, i thought of music and how she seems to feel when her god has left. she always gets this really sad-dog/confused-dog look on her face which causes me to say out loud to her, "where did that nice man go? i love him." so i prayed to god today, "where did that nice man go? i love him."
when my mother was alive, she was in the habit of leaving the house and telling music, who always expected to come with us wherever we were going, "i'm sorry, we're going where doggies can't go." when she died, i thought, she went where doggies and daughters can't go. so, in answer to my own question of "where did that nice man go?" i answered myself, "he went where doggies can't go." (of course, all good dogs do indeed go to heaven.).
it sounds silly, and it is silly, but it's not irreverent. it's making extremely personal, a concept that i find difficult at best to understand. an event that took place 2K years ago, in a land far away, to a person i have heard about all my life but still struggle to get to know.
i hope you are having a blessed holy week.

my dog, music

the older i get ...

the older i get, the more of a bleeding-heart liberal, tree hugger i become. one of my friends asked me, "how is that even possible?" when i informed her of this. one way it is possible is by checking out blogs and websites i have been reading religiously lately -
no impact man, green as a thistle, tree hugger, and the compact.
i have made a pledge to not buy anything new for one year (knickers and shoes being my own personal exceptions). i compost in my backyard. i have stopped using plastic bags. i am cleaning my house with vinegar, baking soda, hydrogen peroxide and am phasing out the old shampoos and other lotions, notions, and potions that i currently own in favor of making me own.
i have compact flourescent bulbs in all my lamps. i have plugged nearly everything into power strips which i turn off when not in use. i even unplug the stove. my elec. bill went from about $100/mo. to about $50.
i shop at the health food store and greenmarket pretty much exclusively.
i am pals with nuns who are working on a sustainable farm - when hippies become nuns i call it.
i'm only saying this because it's all easy to do. i'm not as extreme as no impact man or vanessa of green as a thistle. i'm saving beaucoup bucks by going to the thrift store, which also means i'm helping support a worthy charity as well as helping the planet. unplugging everything is easy when it's all plugged into strips - and that elec. bill should be motivation for everyone.
so, i'm seeing more of my paycheck stay in the bank and i get to feel all warm and fuzzy and ... SMUG! truly, find me someone who doesn't love feeling smug deep down inside.

episcogirlorama!

i went to the ceremony of the life profession of sr. lilli ana of the community of the holy spirit today. the bishop suffragan of ny, catherine roskam, performed the profession. the presiding bishop of the episcopal church of the u.s.a., catherine jefferts schiori was also there! that was a surprise - a very pleasant one. the homily was done by winnie varghese, who is the chaplain at columbia u. when it came time for the eucharist, i had a moment of god's grace and joy when i watched bishop roskam give the eucharist to bishop schiori and then they both gave the bread to the community and guests, while winnie and sr. lilli ana gave the wine. it was episcogirlorama!
we women are taking over the world you know.

the a word

i was just reading ask sister mary martha today about burying a statue of st. joseph upside down in your backyard and she says you have to mark the spot so you can dig him up once your house is sold b/c you have to take him with you and venerate him in your new house.
this reminded me of a story from my own church, holy trinity.
every year the sunday school children and teachers make a banner that says allelulia and bury it in the garden of our church to bring home the idea that during lent we don't say the a word and are more sober. on easter sunday the sunday school dig up the banner and bring it into church as part of the ceremony and we all say allelulia. one year, the kids were seriously late coming in and they were sans banner. turns out, they couldn't find the spot where they buried it. the teachers were digging all over the garden trying to find it and the kids were laughing and saying, oooooh! you're in trouble! so, the following year, the sunday school leaders decided to mark the spot with a small, homemade cross. when they went back to the spot at the end of lent to get the banner, they found two crosses! they reckoned that someone saw the first cross and took it for a pet cemetery and buried their own pet there and marked the spot with a cross!
hope everyone is having a blessed lent.

lent, so far

i love lent and i'm really enjoying this year. i don't give stuff up so much as take on spiritual practices that i really want to concentrate on.
this year i'm meditating more. i'm also doing the artist's way workbook, which is really opening me up a lot. i've added spiritual movies and documentaries to my netflix queue.
last night i watched monsieur ibrahim, with omar sharif. it was an outstanding film and i highly recommend it. i also recommend the magazine, spirituality and health. it comes out every two months and i have been subscribing for years. they have, among other great articles, a regular review of spiritual movies - from documentaries to "regular" hollywood or foreign movies that are in some way uplifting.
i'm really getting a lot out of this experience and am looking forward to holy week. i have a vacation from school during holy week (it doesn't always coincide), so i plan to go to the community of the holy spirit, where i am an associate, for holy week services.
blessed lent everyone!

zimbabwe

i'm thinking of entering a convent in zimbabwe. i want to work with aids orphans, and there aren't a ton of anglican convents that do that, as far as i can tell. there are two in zimbabwe that i've found. i recently met with a priest who used to live in zimbabwe and who knows these orders fairly well. she had some good, sound advice. i'm going to visit zimbabwe this summer and spend a couple of weeks at these convents to see what the holy spirit has to say about it all.
i heard someone recently say that you can't will something to happen, but you can be willing. i'm working hard on being willing. i wish i had five lifetimes because there's so much i want to do. i want to foster children here in nyc. i want to live someplace warm and sunny all year round. i want to be a religious. i guess i'm trying to do all that in one place. but, i have to keep reminding myself that i'm not in charge of all this. i keep turning it over to god.

lenten practice

most years, rather than give something up for lent, i take on a spiritual practice. i went to the open center bookstore last week and stocked up on the artist's way workbook, and a thich nhat hahn meditation cd to listen to on the subway, when i am at my most aggressive.
i'm already opening up from just a few days of doing the artist's way, esp. writing three pages stream of consciousness in the morning. it helps that i'm also on vacation from school this week. that makes me more open to the universe in general. i've spent the last couple of days doing my lenten work, going to the gym to swim (where i get my best praying done) and just relax in the sauna.
i love lent. it's perfect that it takes place in winter, when it's so cold and dark outside. it's such a quiet, introverted time and winter is when i have the least energy and want to stay in with candles burning and just be, rather than do. i think lent is like the spiritual version of saying, 5 more minutes, to god, pulling the spiritual covers closer and snuggling in with the holy spirit.
i'm also renting spiritual documentaries this lent. i just watched an inconvenient truth. i wish it had more of a message of hope, more here's what you can do to help. maybe i'll start by getting some house plants.
i wish you a blessed, quiet, soft lent.

belfast photos

iused to live in belfast, northern ireland. i lived on the falls road - in the middle of republican i.r.a. land, just down the road from gerry adams. no. ireland has been in the news lately so i dug out my photos to upload.
i truly believe the reason that things are calming down there are economic. everyone is comfortable, so there is no need for terrorism. actually, now the loyalists are the problem, because they have lost their status and position.
people in no. ireland compare their situation with israel/palestine all the time. i hope that no. ireland can help the situation in the middle east.

what lawyers do - according to a 2nd grader

today i was reading a biography about abraham lincoln, to prepare my 2nd grade class of immigrant kids for the american holiday of president's day. i read that he became a lawyer. i asked the students if they knew what a lawyer was. one girl raised her hand and i said, ok, what does a lawyer do? she replied that they make a lot of money and they talk a lot! i laughed my head off and told her that was true. in that case, all the chatty girls in my class decided they could become lawyers and get paid for talking! i asked my student who told her that about lawyers and she said her mom. all the kids have experienced the pains of trying to get a green card or citizenship.

u2charist

we had a u2charist at my church last week. it was to promote the episcopal church's dedication to the millenium development goals. it was a eucharist with both recorded and live playing of u2 songs in the place of hymns - the processional, offertory, etc. imagine karaoke, in church, and you're stone cold sober. it was a fund raiser for a charity in tanzania that sends girls to school. it costs $50 to send a girl to school for a year and provides her uniform, breakfast, and lunch.
the u2charist was a lot of fun! i did some karaoke in japan stone cold sober - although not in a church - so i'm ok with that idea.
it was one of the better episcopal services that i've been to in a while. we are known as god's frozen people and that's no joke. the traditional service is beautiful and austere but has very little joy to it. this was a joyful but serious-minded service.

on another note entirely - everyone must leave this blog at once and read ask sister mary martha. it's a blog by a "catholic nun" but i believe it's written by a fabulous gay man with incredible knowledge of the catholic church - perhaps a priest is writing it. every time i read it i laugh my head off.

happy new year

last night i went to a meditation at a yoga center here in nyc - jivamukti. every new year's eve they have a silent meditation from 9 pm till midnight, then chanting from midnight on. i have been going for 6 years now. i bring my diary from the year that is ending and read through it all the way, remembering happy moments, wincing at the "growth opportunities" that presented themselves to me throughout the year. then i write one last entry, then meditate until midnight. the main room becomes absolutely packed with people - there are maybe 200 to 250 (?) of us by the time it gets to midnight. i resolved to spend 2007 asking God for her will and trying to live that out. i had a slightly ecstatic experience while meditating - there's some really good energy going on in a room of 250 meditating new yorkers!
i'm hoping to go to zimbabwe this summer to visit the convent i'm interested in for a couple of weeks. things seem to be unsettled there now so i'm not sure how easy it will be to travel there this year but i'm working towards putting the money aside for the trip.
i found a fabulous fake nun blog (i think it's written by a gay man with a wicked sense of humour). it's called ask sister mary martha and it is about an 8th grade math teacher nun who lives with two other sisters in her dwindling order. every entry i read has me howling with laughter. it reminds me of sr. frances.
alas, school vacation ends for me tomorrow. i could use another week. i've so enjoyed my time off, going to spiritual meetings, meditations, the gym, seeing old friends - it's been so relaxing. but, i'm looking forward to seeing the kids and i'm much easier on them these days.
i brought the class pet (two hamsters, George Washington and Abraham Lincoln) home for the vacation. i have a golden retriever, Music. watching her watch that hamster cage reminds me of when my great-aunt Becky, the matriarch of the family, was alive. she would sit in front of the t.v. in her house coat with a beer and a ciggie-boo and watch her programs (soap operas). music is so transfixed on those hamsters it's like she's saying to me, "gotta go, my show is on." i've been putting the cage up high so she can't reach it (she's almost as tall as me when she stands on her hind legs!).
happy and healthy new year to you all.

cloneburger

i just heard on npr that the food industry (otherwise known as THEY) are planning to produce meat products from cloned animals. WHOA!!!!!!!! if i weren't already a vegetarian, this would send me flying into the arms of vegetarianism.
soylent green is people.
i'm amazed that as the food industry's bad practices are being exposed by films like Supersize Me and books like Fast Food Nation that they keep going on with outrageous ideas like this. we have only been cloning animals for a few years and we really, really, really don't know what we're about with it. ingesting cloned animals sounds like a potential stephen king disaster.
there's also a big political aspect to food. i teach 2nd grade in queens, in a working class neighborhood. i also teach sunday school at my church in an upper-middle class neighborhood. the kids at my church are all eating organic, hand-packed-by-mom lunches. the kids in queens are eating breakfast and lunch for free at school. the kids from queens could eat the same-age kids from the upper east side of manhattan! the queens kids are almost one and a half times the size of the kids from my neighb. i truly believe it's because of the growth hormones in the dairy and meat products that the working class kids are eating. it makes them taller and more obese than the kids eating the all-organic food. but, the kids from queens are not as educated about the detrimental effects of junk food and can't afford the organic stuff (i'd say at this point most of my disposable income is spent on organic and farmer's market food).
who do you think will be eating the cloneburger? not the kids in manhattan belown 125th street.

christmas thoughts

i've been sitting, thinking about what christmas means for me as a post-modern episcopalian. i don't believe it's the literal birthdate of jesus. i don't believe it should be a big birthday party for jesus (that's how christmas strikes me in britain where they wear paper hats at the dinner table). i think of most church calendar events these days as symbolic, landmarks throughout the year to keep the comforting human element of routine alive in religion. i was listening to the infinite mind on npr today and the show was about religion. they mentioned a sect of christianity that has stripped away all the symbols and rituals. that so works for some people, but i need those landmarks, those calendar dates dotted with the death dates of saints, the liturgical seasons when we change colors, change gospels, switch to rite 1 or maybe use another country's prayer book. it keeps me going, especially advent and lent because i hate winter so. i like to have christmas and all it's lights to look forward to and i need lent to get me through the end of winter, spiritually hibernating and finally breaking out into the world after the gloom of the tomb.
i think i'll pull out my vegetarian goddess cookbook and find a good recipe for solstice and light my candles and plug in my tree and listen to christmas carols and meditate.
merry christmas and happy new year.
love,
sister mary alt.

an immigrant child's story

i am teaching after school to 5th grade english language learners. today i had them write about an experience that happened in their lives. this boy wrote about his immigration story. this boy is from egypt and came to the states a few months ago. his story is typical of families coming to the u.s. the title is "too late"

When I was 4 year old I get up at 5 o'clock evening, my dad was carry a big bag. I'm asked, "Where you are going?" he said, "Somewhere." then he go to America and he don't come to me.
After 7 year, I'm coming to him with an airplane. I still in the plane about 11 hours. Then I'm stand 5 hours in the airport. Then i come to him.
He was late by 7 years, 16 hours, 43 minute and 3 second. He is not late, he is too late.

dont' let the bed bugs bite

one of my students told me yesterday that her father hit her with a belt and that she lives with her mother, father, brother, and sister in a studio. her brother and sister share a bed in the kitchen. she sleeps on the floor with her parents. i asked if she sleeps on a mattress on the floor and she explained that they had bedbugs last summer and had to throw out the mattresses so she sleeps on blankets on the floor with her parents.
of course i feel for her and i told her how sorry i was and i referred this situation to the proper counsellors at school but i can empathize with the parents. all my students are immigrants ( i teach esl). they can't afford more than a studio because the neighborhood is becoming pricey. 5 people in a studio and they can't afford new beds - beds are really expensive. i can see how mom and dad would get really freaked out and angry a lot.
i think of the abuse i experienced as a child (although my financial situation growning up was better than this girl's, i still went through hell as a child) and how i've been working through that in my adulthood. those events are in the past for me. this girl is living it right now and can't change it or get out.
i was thinking of asking for money for new mattresses at my church but then i thought, what if those get bed bugs? there's a major infestation in queens and all over nyc right now. even if their apt. is fumigated, what about the neighbors? that problem is not so easy to solve.
it's not just about fixing one little, manageable thing. it's a whole system. my students have to take a state-wide, standardized english language test every spring and it is so hard that kids their age who are native english speakers could not pass this thing. i believe it's set up that way to keep the kids in esl (which goes at a slower pace than mainstream classes but also carries with it a stigma) because someone's got to be the gas station attendant and it sure isn't going to be the native english speaker.
living in the school's neighborhood is expensive and parents make sacrifices like this because the schools are good. i mean, i won't compare them to the public schools in my neighborhood. but, for example, at my school we got 30 laptops for the 2nd grade to share. i use those things whenever i can with the kids. that makes a big difference in their lives and their futures.
i'm not sure where to go with this but i think the spirit is leading me somewhere. i'll talk to the peace and restorative justice committee at my church and see what comes of that.

help! i've become sr. francis!

i haven't written for so long because i had nothing much good to report. i last wrote that i wanted to be nicer this school year, loosen up a bit because behavior management is not an issue for me. well, be careful what you wish for. i have been the meanest teacher on the 2nd grade so far this year. i am my own worst nightmare, sr. francis, the meanest 5th grade math teacher (i'm assuming she had no vocation to the religious life or to teaching and that's what made her such a flaming bitch - honestly, if i could get my hands on her today ...).
i realize that this year, out of 18 students, 8 of them are total space cases. they just stare into space with their mouths open, not doing anything, totally zoned out. usually i have one or two kids like that, this year it's literally half the class. i teach esl but it's not a language issue, these kids understand english just fine, they've been at school in nyc since kindergarten. they understand me, they just aren't paying any attention. as a result i spend the most part of my day keeping these kids on task. simple acts like opening their notebooks and writing their headings take a great deal of time and focus. for some of them i have an idea of what is going on, for the majority of them i don't know why they are so tuned out.
i told one girl the other day that she had better start paying attention in class and showing me that she is a serious student because when she grows up a prince is not going to marry her and give her all the money she wants for doing nothing. instead, she will have to get a job, everybody has to work, and she will never go to college and get a good job if she doesn't know that 5 + 3= 8 because she has not been paying one bit of attention in math class. i told her that being cute does not get you that far in life, you have to know things, things that you learn in school.
oy vey.
i am noticing that when i get annoyed and yell at the kids that i am saying to them things that the nuns said to me when i was a girl. i honestly think that there are some depths of emotion for me to plummet here. maybe this third year of teaching for me is going to be about learning about my own childhood and becoming more compassionate towards my students. i certainly feel like i'm not being compassionate right now.
i'm focusing my prayer life and recovery work around my issues with certain children and my own childhood issues. i need to remember that god is in charge of my classroom and that i am but a trusted servant. it's easy to cross the line from organizing the class and creating structure to becoming a bossy, controll freak!
please pray for me - and my poor students - as i embark on this journey.

first day of school!

tomorrow is the first day of school and i'm so excited! i had a so-so vacation - mostly because i am not the type of person who should have so much free time. i'm a protestant, i have a strong work-ethic, my parents were raised during the great depression and instilled in me a drive to work, work, work. so be it.
i got my room all ready and it looks beautiful. i'll take some new pics and attach later.
every year i focus on a new goal in teaching. my goal this year is to be nicer. i have classroom management down pat. i went to catholic school as a child and i learned how to manage kids. they know i'm not kidding around. now i can lighten up a bit, loosen up the reins. teachers all say don't smile until december. isn't that awful? i did it the first two years, but to heck with that. we can have fun while learning.
one of the main reasons i want to be nicer is because it's not easy being a child. i remember when i was a kid i felt so powerless and out of control. i was always so frustrated and generally pissed off as a child. now i embrace being powerless and not having control because i know that god is in charge and i happily relinquish any thought of control over to her. but, back then i was under the rules of my parents, who were not perfect and did not come from perfect childhoods themselves and while they did the best they knew how, i felt unprotected and scared and angry a lot. my students come from other countries (i teach esl) and have a really hard time adjusting to life here. i want to create a safe space for them in the classroom. they spend more waking hours a day with me than with their parents so i need for the classroom to be a place they are happy to be. i can do that, while still maintaining class rules.
i'm pretty much scrapping the idea that to be "good" means to sit still and be quiet. that's no way to learn. and boys just can't do it. nor should they. girls can handle that ok, but it really sucks for boys. they need to be active in learning. active learning is good for girls as well.
i'm lucky to have two vocations.

retreat

i finally, finally, finally went away for three days to visit a family friend on the delaware shore. i can't describe to you how stressed out i was before going - all of my own making, i'm not bloody working or anything so i had to create stress and drama to keep my hand in you know, so i wouldn't forget or anything. there were other, hormonal factors at play in my stress as well. suffice it to say, i almost didn't go. damn this protestant work ethic. i was really feeling badly because i felt i wasn't doing enough.
in my spiritual life i strive to do less and to concentrate more on being. i'm not a human doing, i'm a human being. but, i forgot about all that and started to feel actually unworthy because i wasn't doing enough. meanwhile, the e.r. was becoming my retreat center because i was in fact doing so much i needed some quiet, quality "me" time and the e.r. was the only place i could find it!
I AM SO GLAD I WENT AWAY TO DELAWARE!!!!
in just three days i really relaxed. i stretched out on the couch and watched a lot of old movies with my friend. we went to the beach with her two grandsons. she and i went antiquing and then had lunch in rehoboth. it was so relaxing and pleasant and it reminded me that i deserve and need vacations and breaks and to get away. staycation does not really do it for relaxation.
now, like any native manhattanite, i cannot drive a car. i took lessons last year and failed the test and then grad school started again and i just didn't have time for more lessons and decided i've made it to 37 without needing to drive, i can just keep on going that way. but, i talked to another native ny'er the other day who told me she got her license at 34 by just taking lessons until she didn't suck anymore. i could do that in the spring, and in queens. i was taking lessons in manhattan which was terrifying. queens is practically bucolic (sp?).
i have fantasies of renting a car, throwing the dog in the back and just taking off for a weekend getaway or retreat at a monastery or convent. there are several around here that are great.
meanwhile, i can take the dog on the commuter train up the hudson to some cute colonial era towns for a day trip of lunch and antiquing. i can do that. i hereby resolve to get away more often for spiritual retreats and more secular ones as well.

little miss sunshine

i saw this movie last night and i cannot recommend it enough! it was hilariously funny and all the actors were perfectly cast. it was a joy to see steve carrell play it "straight" (although his character is gay but not playing one of his goofy characterizations). greg kinnear, toni collette, alan arkin were wonderful but the two children worked their comedic roles simply, without pushing the laughs, just natural, which is definitely not always the way of children actors.
i keep thinking of scenes from the movie today and laughing out loud in the middle of walking down the street - people staring at me, who cares? it's one of the few dvds i'll buy when it comes out.

broke again!

it seems that every week i have a negative bank balance. i have gotten into the very bad habit of borrowing money from my boyfriend, and then paying him back the next week when i get paid. i have terrible credit, so no credit card company will extend me credit. it's a cycle that i can't seem to break. i'm not living extravagantly - although, it's becoming more and more difficult to be middle class in manhattan these days. but, my rent is stabilized (thank god) and the most i spend money on is food (which is expensive here and i only buy organic and from the green market and i know too much about the food industry after working in it to go back to the grocery store so there it is).
now, being broke in the upper east side is a whole different thing than being broke in, say, africa or india. i'm only "broke" until the next paycheck comes, which is next week. i have a fridge and cabinets full of food. maybe not food that i am in the mood for, i'm not going to order in mexican tonight or anything, but food nonetheless.
i knew i had to work out my issues with men before i took on a vow of chastity, i didn't want to enter a convent to avoid dealing with men again (traumatic childhood experiences) and i think i need to seriously deal with my money issues before taking on a vow of poverty.
my parents were not good stewards of money. my dad was totally broke - in the extreme sense of the word. he went from being an executive to a concierge in a hotel while i was a child. my mother grew up during the depression and world war ii and believed in lack. she never thought there was enough of anything and taught me that. she didn't believe there was enough money, stuff, love, faith, god. i am trying to live in opposite land, the opposite of what she taught me. however, i am struggling to believe there is enough money.
at least i'm not alone. it seems that everyone had credit card debt. does that mean that no one can live on their salaries alone? that people spend their salaries, and then charge more stuff on top of it? i think the average credit card debt is in the tens of thousands, which sounds to me like people are living above their means.
i'm thinking of going to debtor's anonymous meetings. i need to break this pattern of belief about money. it does not reflect god's abundance in my life. and there are so many examples of that abundance. i just can't think of any right now because i'm freaked out about being broke.
it's good practice for the convent. although, when i'm in a convent, i'll be living in community. right now i feel as though i'm doing this all alone.

if women ran the anglican communion ...

i get the feeling there wouldn't be this much of an uproar if the majority of movers and shakers (read gasbags and windbags in skirts) were women. i mean, when i read about all the communiques and letters to the archbishop of canterbury (THERE'S a job i wouldn't want) as if big daddy is going to make everything all right ... i get the feeling that a lot of these priests are running around with their cassock skirts over their heads, shrieking and screaming and stomping their feet!
i can say what i like now b/c i've got no vow of obedience yet. i'll settle down later when i have to say, "yes, reverend mother.
actually, i have been noticing something about the women priests i know. the more i meet, the less of them tell me they want to be rectors. i'm starting to think that the role of parish priest, as it exists now, does not suit women and the way we work. it's a model that was designed by men, for men, and despite the fact that women have been being ordained for over 30 years, there doesn't seem to be a lot of change. women priests seem to be expected to fill this mold that was created by and for men. i know when i thought about becoming a priest as a teenager it really didn't appeal. the pastoral part does, but the administration aspect, the fundraising, the being the boss in an officey/corporatey atmosphere does not appeal. i think it does not appeal to more women than just me. and i hear of women priests being scolded by other women priests for not becoming rectors, that there's a shortage of women rectors. however, i understand that pretty much nearly half of all seminarians are women now. so, if we have plenty of women being ordained, but not enough women rectors, perhaps it's the model of rectorship that's the issue.
hmmmm.....
maybe the episcopal church (815 that is) needs an idustrial organizational psychologist. oh, can you imagine? talk about cassocks up in the air and shrieking!

i'm a big girl now!

last friday i completed work on my master's degree in teaching english to speakers of other languages (that means i'm a 2nd grade esl teacher)! i've been working full-time and going to school at night for the last two years. not only that but work is in queens. uni. is in bklyn. and there's no subway that goes directly across from queens to bklyn (they're the same piece of land) so i had to go through manhattan (where i live) to get from work to grad school. NEVER AGAIN!!!!!! not only that but my first year of teaching, my mom died, which was really debilitating and exhausting and i couldn't take a break from uni. b/c my job was tied up with my taking classes. ugh. i just plowed on through it, knowing the end would be in sight. i made some really good friends, who i'll miss b/c i'm NEVER GOING TO BROOKLYN AGAIN AS LONG AS I LIVE. i grew up in nyc and could probably count on two hands the total amount of times i'd been to bklyn before this, let alone queens (not counting airport trips). manhattanites are very manhattan-centric.
i got my master's and teaching experience b/c i have a gift for it and working with children, but also b/c i hope as a nun to work with children and/or teach and i wanted to get a background in education in this country before joining an order.
i wrote back to the order in zimbabwe - czm and hope to visit there in early 2007. i get a week off in february - their summer so i would get a sense of how hot it is. i used to love heat and even humidity but this summer is a thing apart.
anyway, i'm so happy and relieved. i'm the first person in my family to have an advanced degree. i know my mother, on the other side of the thin veil that separates this world from the spirit world, knows and is proud of me.
now all i need is an mdiv!

jennifer goodnow

jen goodnow

my thoughts on the latest communique from the church of nigeria

ACNS 4162 | NIGERIA | 4 JULY 2006

Communiqué from the Episcopal Synod of the Church of Nigeria (Anglican
Communion)

Episcopal Synod held at All Saints' Church Wuse Zone 5 Abuja from
Tuesday 27 - Wednesday 28 June 2006

Communiqué

The Episcopal Synod of the Church of Nigeria met under God at All
Saints' church Abuja from 27th - 28th June 2006 with His Grace, The
Most Rev. Peter J. Akinola, CON, DD, Archbishop, Primate and
Metropolitan of All Nigeria presiding. After sessions of deliberations
on issues affecting both the Church and Society, the Synod under the
guidance of the Holy Spirit issued this Communiqué.

1. CONGRATULATIONS

Synod notes with satisfaction the efforts of the Primate of the Church
of Nigeria (Anglican Communion), His Grace, The Most Rev. Peter J.
Akinola, in giving the Church of Nigeria, (CAPA and Global South a
purposeful and effective leadership. It further expresses its approval
of his actions and pronouncements against errors of revisionist
ideologies. With much delight and enthusiasm, Synod received his citing
by TIME Magazine as one of the 100 persons that shaped the World in
2005, and encouraged him not to relent in his efforts in exercising his
ministry.

2. THE ANGLICAN COVENANT

Synod is satisfied with the move by the Global South to continue with
its veritable project of defending the faith committed to us against
present onslaught from ECUSA, Canada, England and their allies. The
need
therefore, to redefine and/or re-determine those who are truly
Anglicans
becomes urgent, imperative and compelling. Synod therefore empowers the
leadership of the Church of Nigeria (Anglican Communion) to give assent
to the Anglican Covenant.

3. THE LAMBETH CONFERENCE

The Lambeth Conference which is one of the accepted organs of unity in
the Anglican Communion is due for another meeting in 2008. the Synod,
after reviewing some recent major events in the Communion, especially
the effects of the 'revisionists' theology', which is now making wave
in
America, Canada and England, observed with dismay the inability of the
Church in the afore­mentioned areas to see reason for repentance from
the harm and stress they have caused this communion since 1988
culminating in the consecration of Gene Robinson, a practicing
homosexual in 2003 as a bishop in ECUSA. Synod also regrets the
inability of the See of Canterbury to prevent further impairment of the
unity of the Church. It therefore, believes strongly that the moral
justification for the proposed Lambeth Conference of 2008 is
questionable in view of the fact that by promoting teachings and
practices that are alien and inimical to the historic formularies of
the
Church, the Bishops of ECUSA, Canada and parts of Britain have
abandoned
the Biblical faith of our fathers.

4. GLOBAL SOUTH CONFERENCE

Synod underlines the need for maintaining the age-long tradition of a
ten-yearly Conference of Bishops in the Anglican Communion for
discussing issues affecting the Church. It therefore calls on the
leadership of the Global South and Council of Anglican Provinces in
Africa (CAPA) to do everything necessary to put in place a Conference
of
all Anglican Bishops to hold in 2008 should all efforts to get the
apostles of 'revisionist agenda' to repent and retrace their steps
fail.


5. THE SO-CALLED RELIGIOUS RIOTS

Synod is worried that months after the mayhem unleashed on the nation
in
February 2006 by criminals, murderers and arsonists hiding under the
cloak of religion, no one has been brought to book neither any
compensation paid for the properties especially churches destroyed and
lives lost in the riots. It therefore, calls on the Governments of the
land to take urgent steps to prosecute these enemies of mankind and pay
necessary compensations in order to restore the confidence that every
Nigerian is protected any where in this nation.

6. HIV/AIDS SCOURGE

Synod continues to note with concern the ravaging effects of HJV/AIDS
and the threat it is posing to human society. More worrisome is the
mismanagement of funds meant for prosecution of the war against this
scourge in Nigeria; leading to the de-listing of Nigeria by foreign
Donor Agencies. While noting the efforts of Church in the HIV/AIDS
Programme, it calls on all Dioceses and Churches to be actively
involved
in this project with a view to ensuring that this ugly monster does not
further endanger the lives for which Christ died.

7. ISLAM AND MINORITY RIGHTS

While noting the spread of Islam in hitherto predominantly Christian
cities, especially in Europe and America, and their insistence on
minority rights, Synod is worried that this same Muslims have refused
to
allow people of other faiths into their (Muslim dominated) areas to
enjoy such rights. It therefore calls on our Muslim brothers in the
spirit of reciprocity to have a change of attitude and put an end to
intolerance and hostilities to Christians all over the world.

8. 2007 GENERAL ELECTIONS IN NIGERIA

Synod is happy that the processes leading to the general elections in
Nigeria come 2007 are on course. While underscoring the need for
emergence of credible, committed and patriotic leaders for the nation,
it calls on all Christians to actively participate in all electoral
processes to forestall a situation where e lections are used to recycle
past leaders. Synod further enjoins the Independent National Electoral
Commission (INEC) to ensure a very high degree of transparency in all
elections slated for 2007, so as to avoid the ugly consequences of any
electoral result that did not truly reflect the wishes and aspirations
of the electorate. While calling for a truly independent judiciary, the
synod insists that all petitions arising from the forthcoming general
elections should be handled with dispatch in the spirit of justice,
equity and fair play.

Signed

The Most Revd. Peter J. Akinola, CON, D.D.
Archbishop, Metropolitan and Primate of All Nigeria

...
whoa, this guy is freakin' crazy. he's like the mussolini of the anglican church. il dulce.

may you live in interesting times

no kidding that's a curse! oy vey! it's so troubling to see what's happening these days. i was elated over jefferts schori's election for a couple of days until the fit hit the shan with williams' letter. now, let me say that i am so glad i'm not in his position, i surely couldn't be the boss in the midst of this situation.
it's hard for me to be accepting of those who don't have the same beliefs as me. i truly believe that christ calls all to his table, not some. and when he was selective with his company, he chose the marginal people: tax collectors, adulterous women, chicks at wells, samaritans. gays, lesbians, bi-sexual, transgendered people are the samaritans of the day. christ compels me to see God in everyone, not just people that live like me. the trick for me is to see God in the ultra-conservative!
the crisis going on in the episcopal church and anglican communion does not affect the average person. even my rector does not feel affected in his position as rector.
i, however, am thinking of entering a convent in the anglican communion, in africa! ack. this does affect me. if it comes down to a schism, how will that affect episcoplians living and working abroad in the anglican communion? meanwhile, i enjoy reading the extremely opinionated father jake on his blog, father jake stops the world

the wizard of oz

today i showed my 2nd grade class a video of the wizard of oz. my students are immigrants so only a couple of them had ever seen the movie before. they loved it! when it went from black and white to color, they gasped. i was totally verklempt. when the witch melted, they were thrilled.
i really believe that the most important part of my job is to open them to new, wonderful experiences and to be supportive to them. they each have some difficult, all children do in some way, shape or form. it's simply the human condition. many of them spend more waking hours in a day with me than with their parents.
the last day of school is tomorrow, it's a half day, so today we had a party with pizza and ice cream cake. it was a good day.

general convention

ACNS 4159 | CAPA | 23 JUNE 2006

CAPA - An Open Letter to the Episcopal Church USA

We, the Primates of the Council of Anglican Provinces of Africa (CAPA),
meeting in Kampala on 21st - 22nd June, have followed with great
interest your meeting of the General Convention of the Episcopal Church
USA in Columbus. We have been especially concerned by the development
of
your response to The Windsor Report, which has been reported to us
quite
extensively. This is something for which we have earnestly prayed. We
are, however, saddened that the reports to date of your elections and
actions suggest that you are unable to embrace the essential
recommendations of the Windsor Report and the 2005 Primates Communiqué
necessary for the healing of our divisions. At the same time, we
welcome
the various expressions of affection for the life and work of the
Anglican Communion.

We have been moved by your generosity as you have rededicated
yourselves
to meet the needs of the poor throughout the world, especially through
your commitment to the Millennium Development Goals.

We have observed the commitment shown by your church to the full
participation of people in same gender sexual relationships in civic
life, church life and leadership. We have noted the many affirmations
of
this throughout the Convention. As you know, our Churches cannot
reconcile this with the teaching on marriage set out in the Holy
Scriptures and repeatedly affirmed throughout the Anglican Communion.
All four Instruments of Unity in the Anglican Communion advised you
against taking and continuing these commitments and actions prior to
your General Convention in 2003.

At our meeting in Kampala we have committed ourselves to study very
carefully all of your various actions and statements. When we meet with
other Primates from the Global South in September, we shall present our
concerted pastoral and structural response.

We assure all those Scripturally faithful dioceses and congregations
alienated and marginalised within your Provincial structure that we
have
heard their cries.

In Christ,

The Most Rev. Peter Akinola, on behalf of CAPA
Chairman, CAPA

you know, we women are taking over the world.
sr. m.a.

zimbabwe convent reply!

i was just about to write to the convent in zimbabwe again (after allowing several months for slow postage or robert mugabe to personally intercept my mail) when i got a letter from them. the letter was from the archsister (that just makes me think she's sardonic) and she said it was their second reply to my letter from february. i never got the first reply so i'm glad they sent a second letter.
they not only don't have a website, the sister wrote the letter by hand on loose leaf paper! it seems they don't even have a typewriter! wow. still, i can survive.
i will respond to them this week and i hope to visit next summer vacation.
the sister said they take care of all sorts of orphans who get left with them. that sounds like wonderful work and i'd love to be of service to children in need.
god willing, we'll see.

i didn't do it

the teachers from my grade had a meeting with the principal in the library today to plan which classes our students should go into next year. about halfway through, the fire alarm went off! we knew it couldn't be a drill, because the principal was sitting with us. she called the office and it was clear there was a lot of confusion going on. a secretary announced on the loudspeaker, "Custodians are trying to find out what the cause of the fire alarm is. Don't leave the buidling. Stay put!" which made us all laugh. the principal left our meeting and went to the office to find out what was happening. she came back later, laughing. she said it was a kindergartener who did it! at first, the girl tried to get out of trouble by blaming a boy from her class. the boy was wearing a t-shirt that said, "i didn't do it." the principal determined that the boy indeed hadn't pulled the alarm and she told this boy, "i'm glad mommy put that t-shirt on you today!" then, the girl finally admitted to having pulled the alarm by saying, "but i didn't mean it!" the principal asked her was it easy to pull the alarm or hard and the girl exclaimed, "oh, it was hard!"
kids are too hilarious.

convent searching

CZM
Chita che Zvipo Zve Moto
(Community of the Gifts of the Holy Fire)
Founded 1977
The Community is a mixed community of nuns and friars, founded by the Revd Canon Lazarus Tashaya Muyambi in 1977. On a visit to St Augustine's Mission, Penhalonga, he was attracted by the life of the CR fathers and the CZR sisters. With the inspiration of the Spirit of the Lord, he saw the great value in staring a Religious community.

The first three sisters were attached to St Augustine's for three months, Sister Gladys being the first admission on 14 May 1978. The first convent was officially opened in 1979 and the initial work was caring for orphans at St Agnes Children's Home.

In January 2000, Canon Muyambi stepped down from leadership, believing the community was mature enough to elect its own leaders, which it did in March 2000. The Community have a Rule, Constitution and are governed by a Chapter. They take vows of Love, Compassion and Spiritual Poverty. The Community is progressing well with young people joining every year. Each member is qualified or skilled in one trade or another.

i found this on the anglican communion website . it sounds like just the place for a sister mary alternative! i wrote to them, it must be four months ago now. i took into effect that they probably don't have the pony express in zimbabwe, but i think by now that it's safe to say they didn't get my letter. of course there's no website. there's not even a tel. no. listed, but there is a fax no. so i guess i'll fax them.
i still have to pay off my student loans, that will take about 4 years or so. and i'd like to get more experience teaching.
this is one of the few times i'm willing to wait on god's time, as opposed to my own schedule! i do wish they had a website. it would take me a year to save up for a visit there as well.
meanwhile, i'll just keep on keepin' on. i finish grad school for good aug. 1 (!!!). i love teaching. i've got plenty at church to keep me busy. i have al-anon meetings, my boyfriend, my friends, my dog. i'm an associate of a convent here, community of the holy spirit so i've got a more than full life right now.
i'm happy to be nappy.

holistic family center

i was having dinner with a couple of girlfriends the other night. one had recently had a miscarriage. the other is ambivalent about having children. we are all in our mid-30's. i will say in an aside that as i listen to my friends go through issues of marriage, family, trying to get pregnant, etc. i am more and more relieved that i will not be going through any of this. i'm happy to be a supportive listener and cheerleader. the whole night we talked about the miscarriage, friends who are trying to get pregnant, who are having babies and starting families. one friend mentioned a building in brooklyn where all the tenants are trying to get pregnant all at once and networking, sharing. it sounded fascinating!
i thought how all those people could use a community to help them work through all the stuff that comes with family.
in nyc, and my neighborhood especially, there is a baby boom. the population of infants increased in manhattan by 25% between 2000 and 2004! i had the idea of working with parishioners to create an holistic family center at my church. it could cover many areas of family - trying to get pregnant, single moms, new parents, parenting classes, playgroups for all ages, deciding not to get pregnant, activities for parents and teenagers ... it's not sunday school, it's for the whole family. it would be for the whole neighborhood, not just parishioners. i'm excited by the idea and interested to see where it goes.
i hope as a religious to work with children and families, specifically in africa with aids orphans. i definitely think this idea i had yesterday is divinely inspired and matches my vocation of working with kids. i hope to start this in the fall. should be exciting! i'd love to see your comments and ideas on this.

vow of obedience blues

i am becoming more impatient and irascible around church puffery these days. we had a service yesterday with a certain clergyman who is so full of himself i thought i would scream during his 40 MIUNTE SERMON in which he talked about nothing but himself and he was the hero of his own story. he threw in a few references to jesus for good measure. i kept thinking, how am i ever going to be a good nun and be obedient when all i want to do right now is freak out?
i am coming to realize there are two types of men in the world: mamma's boys and not mamma's boys. i have oh so little tolerance for mamma's boys. my background is english and irish and the irish in particular don't mollycoddle boys. no, everyone suffers together, boys and girls alike.
besides the excruciating sermon and the service that last TWO HOURS! i was really put off by the tone of the service which was patriarchal and patronizing. it was the church at its worst.
on another worrying note, the bishop was there to perform confirmation/reception. there were no children being confirmed. instead there were two older adults being recieved. eeeeeeek!!!!!!! they are lovely people and i'm very happy for them but what's happening at my church and many others like it? there were also very few people in the pews.
i love the episcopal church (when it's not like yesterday) and i think the church has a lot to offer people. but, people don't think so.
i'm the newcomer lady at my church and i read a statistical report put out by the diocese that breaks down the demographics of my neighb. and offers info. in several categories. the breakdown is in general that we have some of the wealthiest people in america in this zipcode, some of the highest educated, the neighb. is full to the brim with young people. there is a category in this report called faith and one section is receptivity to faith. for the people of my neighb. it's 6%! and for those who do go to church they like their service traditional. what do the other 94% of the people want from a spiritual community?
after yesterday i'm thinking of becoming a unitarian. ... just kidding.

the wonder of god's creation ... in astoria, queens!

i am helping to cook for a fundraiser dinner and auction at my church. the event is may 5, so we decided to make it a cinquo de mayo theme. we're cooking mexican food. i teach in astoria, queens and there are many mexicans as well as other nationalities in the area so i went shopping for the hard to find ingredients (hard to find if you live in the upper east side that is). there's a store here called trade fair, it's like the queens' version of fairway (a specialty food store in manhattan). i was on the phone with our church secy as i shopped, checking on the required ingredients. this store was like a revelation to me! there were mexican fruit and vegetables, all sorts of cheeses, any food you wanted. but it didn't stop there. as i pushed my cart down the aisle, there was the halal butcher and sundried items. with, i swear i am not making this up, a woman in traditional muslim costume (the name of which escapes me just now, but they look not unlike nuns) buying a hookah and haggling over the price of meat with the butcher.
astoria is well known for a large greek population so there was plenty of food imported from greece. each country had it's own section of the store actually. i may never shop in manhattan for groceries again and i really need to learn mexican cuisine.
but, i had to stop and think about the wonder of god's people, all living and shopping cheek to jowl here in nyc. the u.s. gov't. wants to limit immigration and i am very much against their laws, especially as an English as a Second Language teacher. at this store alone, the stock people were mexican, the cashiers were arab, the butchers seemed irish american. it was fabulous!
i love ny.

zucchini blossoms and ramps

i'm in grad school and over the next two weeks i have a term paper, a final exam in phsycholinguistics, and a comprehensive exam covering the two years of ESL methodology and linguistics i have been studying. once all that's over, my church's street fair hits on sat. may 13. i'm the co-chair. i may call in sick on the 14th. i have had moments lately when i think, how did i get here? how did this happen?
i'm busy but not entirely overwhelmed. i think the good weather helps.

i went to the greenmarket yesterday. i swear i meant to buy honey, bread, and eggs. instead, i walked out with four or five bags and made the following meal, recipes below. i'm becoming much more conscious of eating locally and seasonally. i'm buying more and more stuff at the greenmarket. i'm also becoming more and more suspicious of the food industry - i.e. kraft, nestle, etc. this is so not how god intended us to live. we came from a metaphorical garden and we're pooping all over it.

mache salad with olives and lemon juice

fried stuffed zucchini blossoms

ramp and mushroom risotto

strawberry rhubarb pie

zucchini blossoms are the flowers that grow on the zucchini plant. they are yellow and fat and gorgeous. this recipe is a traditional jewish roman recipe.

friend stuffed zucchini blossoms
1 cup all-purpose flour
1/4 teaspoon salt
1 to 1 1/8 cups chilled seltzer or club soda
16 zucchini blossoms, pistils removed if desired
fresh mozzarella cheese

Vegetable oil for deep-frying
batter stand 10 minutes. If necessary, thin batter with enough remaining seltzer to reach consistency of crepe batter.
Stuff each blossom with some mozzarella, pressing ends of blossoms closed.
In a deep heavy skillet heat 1 inch oil to 375 degrees on a deep-fat thermometer. Working quickly in batches, dip blossoms in batter, coating each completely, and fry in hot oil, turning, 1 1/2 to 2 minutes, or until golden and crisp. With a slotted spoon transfer blossoms as fried to paper towels to drain. (Make sure oil returns to 375 degrees before adding each new batch.)
Sprinkle blossoms with salt to taste and serve warm.


ramps are wild onions that grow on mountain sides only during late april, early may - you can harvest them for about 4 weeks so they are a major specialty. this recipe should take a few minutes of prep and the risotta takes about 20 minutes to cook. it's easy but you can't walk away from the stove and you have to serve it immediately.

i cup risotto rice
4 cups vegetable stock
bunch of ramps
handful of mushrooms
white wine
parmesan cheese
olive oil

saute the shroom and ramps until tender
add rice, heat in pan for about 1 minute
add one or two ladlefuls of stock, let simmer
stir and as stock gets absorbed, ladle in more, a bit at a time.
when almost finished, add a jigger of wine and grate some cheese on top.

post-modern angst!

i've been on the vestry of my church for a year and a smidge now and i'm having trouble with my conscience. my church is over 100 years old, it is comprised of a campus of four buildings (church, rectory, parish house, apartment building for staff)and the whole of it is absolutely beautiful. however, all the money we raise at the church goes toward maintaining the buildings. they are an albatross around our necks. rather than making money for us, they cost - a lot! the roof on any one of these buildings is always falling apart (to the point where as soon as one is repaired, another one starts to fall apart!)our utlities have gone up, like everyone else's. something always needs extensive repair at my church.
we do wonderful outreach at my church. we have a shelter for homeless men in our parish hall. we have an after-school program. we have a summer camp at a very reduced cost. we serve dinner for the homeless every saturday night. years ago, the past rector created a seperate organization to handle the outreach, hoping that organization would get foundation money that a church might not.
unfortunately, it feels like that entity and the church are becoming "us vs. them"
christ taught us to feed the hungry, clothe the naked, give money to the poor, not put all your energy and hard work to keep a bunch of buildings going.
i'm getting the "emerging church" idea that church does not have to be in a building.
i feel like our outreach program could do a lot more than it does, but is having a hard time raising money because people give their money to the church first. and there are never enough volunteers.
i co-chair a major fund-raiser for the church, a street fair that's coming up next month. this is my 3rd year on this event. it's starting to upset me that all the work i'm putting into this event is not to raise money for our outreach programs, but to pay the utility bill.
i'm meeting with my rector to talk about it this weekend. maybe when i'm done with my vestry term, i should sit on the board of the outreach organization.

we're in the home stretch

i was talking with a fellow episcogeek the other day about holy week and easter coming up. i can't remember what direction our conversation went in that it led to him saying, yeah, well, the cross is not the focus of my theology - i'm totally paraphrasing here by the way but it was words to that effect. i didn't have time just then to ask him, but i will later when i get the chance, how he reconciles that, or, what is his focus?
because the same goes for me. i am still trying to understand the crucifixion, resurrection, "salvation" and all that goes along with easter. i can't even understand a metaphor for all this that makes sense for me - and i gladly accept anyone's comments on this.
post-modern, emerging church, sr. mary alternative ...

april is poetry month and i'm teaching poetry to my students and i've been researching some good poems for them (i really hate treacly kiddy poems) so i thought i'd post this (it reminds me of grace, which is a christian concept i can totally groove on):

'Hope' is the thing with feathers
by Emily Dickinson

'Hope' is the thing with feathers—
That perches in the soul—
And sings the tune without the words—
And never stops—at all—

And sweetest—in the Gale is heard—
And sore must be the storm—
That could abash the little Bird
That kept so many warm—

I've heard it in the chillest land
And on the strangest Sea—
Yet, never, in Extremity,
It asked a crumb—of Me.

god box update

the other day i was thinking about how worried and stressed i'd been in the weeks before and how i was so stressed i got sick and ended up in the e.r. and i was trying to remembe what it was i was so worried about to begin with. do you know i couldn't think of all those things and i had to go to the god box and take out my index cards that i had written everything down on and go look at them to remember! as i looked at each card i thought, "well, that one's under control now. this one is not a problem anymore. this one is still something i have to deal with but i'm not so nervous about it now." that god, she's wonderful! she took all those worries off my shoulders (and out of my sinuses which is how the worry manifested itself in me). phew! hope next time i get this worked up i remember the god box a bit quicker.

god box

i have been so stressed out about all these responsibilities in my life that i got sick and ended up missing several days of work and had to go to the e.r.
last night i hit bottom on freaking out. i'm sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.
last night i took myself to my bed, read some spiritual literature, prayed (help me, help me, help me), meditated. then i took some index cards and a sharpie and wrote down all the things i'm worried about: work stuff, grad school stuff, homework i'm backed up on, exams, church duties, money, money, money problems. i wrote each down on a card and then put those cards in my god box.
a god box is a container that i put my worries into and hand them over to god. i turn over my worries and trust god to transform them into opportunities for me to grow, to expand my spirit and trust in god. i find a lot of my spiritual work consists of precedents. i try something different, just to see what will happen. instead of worrying, i try putting my concerns in god's hands. i usually don't do this until i'm totally desperate and on my knees. then, god transmogriphies my BIG PANIC issue into little, surmountable steps and i take one at a time. god makes my life more manageable. when i next come up against a monster, i remember back to that time i turned it over and how that worked out. i'm ready to try turning it over again, and again.

frazzled in new york

i'm a full-time teacher.
i'm in grad school and go two nights per week.
i am on the vestry of my church.
i'm a co-chair of my church's street fair coming up in may.
i'm the literature person for two al-anon meetings.
i'm freaking out about money, as in, i don't really make enough.

well, looking at the above list, the word that stands out for me is "i" i i i i i i
i'd like to get away from i.
i'm feeling burned out and with a sinus infection on top of it all, i'm not at my best.
so, this is lent and while this lent is not as focused for me as in years past when i haven't had all this going on in my life, i can still look to lenten practice to quiet down, slow down, listen. god is not in the earthquake. she is not in the roaring wind. she's the still small voice. i am bottoming out and need to be still and listen.
i can do this any time, but lent, in it's dark, cold way, is a special time for me to be still and quiet and listen. in the mornings (esp. in winter) i hate to get out of my warm, cozy bed and go out into the cold. i pull the covers over my head and say, "five more minutes." i love to be drowsy powsy and cozy wozy for those few minutes of warm silence, fending off the cold. i love lent because it's my time of "five more minutes" with god.

one week into lent and i'm still a b!t(h

i've been meditating every morning this week and usually when i meditate, i am a much nicer teacher and i do not yell at my students and scare them. howsoever, today i meditated and everything, but was a screaming mimi first thing in the morning. of course, i will say that trying to get field trip permission slips and money, signed half-day notice slips, parent-teacher conference appointment time slips from 22 7 and 8 year olds, half of whom are calling out, ms. goodnow! ms. goodnow! could make anyone a screaming mimi. it's like herding cats.
i've taken to reading al-anon daily meditations during my lunch time, that helps.
i've heard it takes five years to really get teaching down. i'm in year two so i forgive myself when i get frazzled. although, i will say that while i struggle with a concept of sin in this post-modern world, i do believe it is a sin to yell at children. big time sin. i can see their faces turn stony but their shoulders leap up. ugh. if i had a teaching assistant (yes, i'm all alone with 22 7 and 8 year olds), it would be easier. but, i don't so i accept reality and strive to meditate more, pray, pray, pray to be more patient, patient, patient.
and i want to be more patient and less like sr. frances, my 5th grade math teacher and personal nightmare, because these are among god's most delicate creatures. they are as vulnerables as little fairies. they spend more time with me than at home with mom and dad. some of them are experiencing pure hell at home. i can't save them necessarily, but i can make my classroom safe, serene. i can offer them love and compassion, which i have loads of for them but whoosh, they are so exhausting!
please pray for me that i do not become sr. frances ... or sr. elizabeth (another math teacher and personal nightmare who had really flabby upper arms and when she wore short sleeved blouses in june and wrote on the board it was like watching a car crash, i couldn't stand watching that arm flab flippity flop while she wrote and i couldn't take my eyes off of it either, i don't want to be sr. elizabeth.)
the patience prayer
god, grant me patience.
RIGHT NOW!

lent for episcogeeks

i love lent. it's my favorite liturgical season. i love that it's once a year, i couldn't handle it more than that (so far i do not treat advent like lent). i love that it is at the end of winter, when it seems the coldest because the end is in sight. winter seems so much less bearable when the days start getting longer and there are a few warmish days sprinkled in.
i hate winter and one of my reactions to it is to sleep more. i have very little energy when it's so cold out and i love to snuggle under the covers for 5 more minutes on winter mornings. lent feels to me like the spiritual version of "5 more minutes" of quiet; cold outside, warm inside; winter light; cozy time with god. it's like snuggling down with god to pray and meditate. oooooh, i love it!
i tend not to give something up for lent, rather, i take on a spiritual practice. one year i went to 40 al-anon meetings in 40 days. another year i bought a tibetan buddhist meditation video and did that every day. this year i have some spiritual readings for each day and i really want to concentrate on my prayer and meditation practice, as well as exercise my body, which needs it badly.
i wish everyone a wonderful, meaningful lenten season.

if mohamad won't come to the mountain ...

i have a student in my second grade class, mohammad. he is from pakistan and has been living both here and there for the last few years, being pulled out of school here to go live there for several months. he left last may and came back in november.
mohammad did not come to class on time, and refused to come into the classroom of his own volition. instead, he would have an entire posse of school psychologists, counsellors, parent volunteers, teachers, the security guard all clucking around him and encouraging him into the classroom. he would squat down on the floor outside the classroom and put his head in his arms. it would take around 45 minutes to get him to come into the room and sit at his table. then he would sit with his head on his desk and not do any work. but, after lunch, he would come to life and return to the classroom and do his work with no problem, raising his hand to answer questions and working independently and in groups. he's very clever and never lost any of his english skills while away in pakistan.
after a few days i asked him why he had such a hard time in the mornings. he told me that he misses his mom and dad (who are at work while he's in school) and he's so sad he can't work. he then told me that when he does start working, he doesn't think about them and doesn't miss them so much. i told him that it stands to reason that the sooner he gets to work, the less he'll think about his mother. i also told him that when i'm sad about something, i let myself feel good and sorry for myself for three days. i really wallow in it. and even if i want to stop after a couple of days, i still give myself that third day to really sit in my sorrow and pity. then, i move on and work with what i have. i told him he could have three days to feel sorry for himself and not come into the classroom until he was ready and he didn't have to work, he could sit at his table. but then after that three days, he had to get to work.
i also told the teachers and counsellors that had been bringing him to the classroom that i wanted to try having him brought to the doorway of the classroom, and then left on his own to enter when he was ready. the next day, a parent volunteer brought him to the entrance to the classroom, i told them to leave. i told mohammad i simply needed him to stand in the doorway so i could see him, and he could come into the room whenever he was ready. i also made sure that the rest of the class was doing something fun at that time so mohammad would both get bored out there on his own and be really curious about what everyone was doing in the classroom.
by the third day, he was coming in immediately on entering the school (still late). i told him how proud i was of this and after a few days i told him that i felt he was ready to come to the rug with his books when he entered the classroom, and do the work that everyone else was doing. i promised him stickers galore if he could do that.
once we got that down for a few days, i told him that now he was ready to come to the auditorium at the beginning of the day and come to the classroom with everyone else. he's just started doing that this week.
the first day he came into the classroom with everyone else, he then sat down at his table and refused to come to the rug and work. he put his head down and wouldn't respond to me or anyone. the first day that happened, i said that i could not teach until the whole class was on the rug. i said we would sit in silence until everyone was on the rug. it's not class 2cr3 and then mohammad, it's all of us together. we sat for 20 minutes in silence. it was excruciating.
the next day he did it again. i knew we couldn't sit there in silence again, i needed to come up with something else. i sent up a quick "S.O.S.!" prayer to god, asking for divine inspiration and i mean now! the expression, "if mohamed will not come to the mountain, the mountain will come to mohamed." popped into my head. i taught the children that epxression and then told them to stand up. i moved my white board easel (no one uses a blackboard by the way) across the room so it was in front of mohammad. i had all the children sit at desks or on the floor so they could see the board. i told mohammad to take out his notebook and a pencil and start copying what i was writing on the board. he looked completely shocked, but did it. the kids copied some notes, we talked about some ideas, and then i told mohammad that for the next part of the lesson i really needed everyone on the rug and was he ready? he said yes and off we went!
by spending time with nuns over the last few years i have learned to be comfortable in silence and i have learned patience. i also know that i have real gifts in working with children. i see christ's presence in each and every one of these children. i'm so grateful to be working in one of my two vocations and i really hope to continue working with children as a religious. there don't seem to be many teaching orders in the anglican tradition these days, but i am looking at orders in africa that work with aids orphans.
keep mohammad in your prayers ... and me too!

new year's resolution - be more nunlike

or is it nunesque? resolved - that i will spend more time with religious, meditate more, work up the guts to tithe the full whammy. and resolve to do this all very gently throughout year and not beat self up if i fail to meditate more but do lose 15 lbs.

i am so glad that crummy 2005 is over. what a rough year it was for me. i feel like i'm starting to come out of a fog and i am moved to build a new life for myself. i sometimes think, what would i do if i found out i had 6 months left to live? this being because i now know so many people who have or had cancer that i'm wondering when i will get it. anyway, if i had 6 months to live i would ask to move into the convent of the community of the holy spirit.

when hippies become nuns ...

these sisters are seriously alternative - far out. if they were not in the northern hemisphere and worked more with children, i would seriously want to enter that order.