where did that nice man go?

whenever my boyfriend, john, leaves the house, my dog, music, is bereft. music loves john in a way that i never will. i often say that music is actually john's girlfriend, and that i am the nice lady john has to spend time with so that he can be with music. if i were going to describe this using a ratio, like i did in high school math, i would say that john is to music as jesus is to me. he is her god. when he goes out the door, even for a carton of milk around the corner for 5 minutes, she is deflated.
today, when i got to church, i saw the altar stripped, the eucharist that was consecrated last night was on our side chapel altar. i sat for an hour of "adoration" although i'm not a transubstantialist. as i sat there, thinking of jesus dying, i thought of music and how she seems to feel when her god has left. she always gets this really sad-dog/confused-dog look on her face which causes me to say out loud to her, "where did that nice man go? i love him." so i prayed to god today, "where did that nice man go? i love him."
when my mother was alive, she was in the habit of leaving the house and telling music, who always expected to come with us wherever we were going, "i'm sorry, we're going where doggies can't go." when she died, i thought, she went where doggies and daughters can't go. so, in answer to my own question of "where did that nice man go?" i answered myself, "he went where doggies can't go." (of course, all good dogs do indeed go to heaven.).
it sounds silly, and it is silly, but it's not irreverent. it's making extremely personal, a concept that i find difficult at best to understand. an event that took place 2K years ago, in a land far away, to a person i have heard about all my life but still struggle to get to know.
i hope you are having a blessed holy week.

my dog, music

the older i get ...

the older i get, the more of a bleeding-heart liberal, tree hugger i become. one of my friends asked me, "how is that even possible?" when i informed her of this. one way it is possible is by checking out blogs and websites i have been reading religiously lately -
no impact man, green as a thistle, tree hugger, and the compact.
i have made a pledge to not buy anything new for one year (knickers and shoes being my own personal exceptions). i compost in my backyard. i have stopped using plastic bags. i am cleaning my house with vinegar, baking soda, hydrogen peroxide and am phasing out the old shampoos and other lotions, notions, and potions that i currently own in favor of making me own.
i have compact flourescent bulbs in all my lamps. i have plugged nearly everything into power strips which i turn off when not in use. i even unplug the stove. my elec. bill went from about $100/mo. to about $50.
i shop at the health food store and greenmarket pretty much exclusively.
i am pals with nuns who are working on a sustainable farm - when hippies become nuns i call it.
i'm only saying this because it's all easy to do. i'm not as extreme as no impact man or vanessa of green as a thistle. i'm saving beaucoup bucks by going to the thrift store, which also means i'm helping support a worthy charity as well as helping the planet. unplugging everything is easy when it's all plugged into strips - and that elec. bill should be motivation for everyone.
so, i'm seeing more of my paycheck stay in the bank and i get to feel all warm and fuzzy and ... SMUG! truly, find me someone who doesn't love feeling smug deep down inside.

episcogirlorama!

i went to the ceremony of the life profession of sr. lilli ana of the community of the holy spirit today. the bishop suffragan of ny, catherine roskam, performed the profession. the presiding bishop of the episcopal church of the u.s.a., catherine jefferts schiori was also there! that was a surprise - a very pleasant one. the homily was done by winnie varghese, who is the chaplain at columbia u. when it came time for the eucharist, i had a moment of god's grace and joy when i watched bishop roskam give the eucharist to bishop schiori and then they both gave the bread to the community and guests, while winnie and sr. lilli ana gave the wine. it was episcogirlorama!
we women are taking over the world you know.

the a word

i was just reading ask sister mary martha today about burying a statue of st. joseph upside down in your backyard and she says you have to mark the spot so you can dig him up once your house is sold b/c you have to take him with you and venerate him in your new house.
this reminded me of a story from my own church, holy trinity.
every year the sunday school children and teachers make a banner that says allelulia and bury it in the garden of our church to bring home the idea that during lent we don't say the a word and are more sober. on easter sunday the sunday school dig up the banner and bring it into church as part of the ceremony and we all say allelulia. one year, the kids were seriously late coming in and they were sans banner. turns out, they couldn't find the spot where they buried it. the teachers were digging all over the garden trying to find it and the kids were laughing and saying, oooooh! you're in trouble! so, the following year, the sunday school leaders decided to mark the spot with a small, homemade cross. when they went back to the spot at the end of lent to get the banner, they found two crosses! they reckoned that someone saw the first cross and took it for a pet cemetery and buried their own pet there and marked the spot with a cross!
hope everyone is having a blessed lent.

lent, so far

i love lent and i'm really enjoying this year. i don't give stuff up so much as take on spiritual practices that i really want to concentrate on.
this year i'm meditating more. i'm also doing the artist's way workbook, which is really opening me up a lot. i've added spiritual movies and documentaries to my netflix queue.
last night i watched monsieur ibrahim, with omar sharif. it was an outstanding film and i highly recommend it. i also recommend the magazine, spirituality and health. it comes out every two months and i have been subscribing for years. they have, among other great articles, a regular review of spiritual movies - from documentaries to "regular" hollywood or foreign movies that are in some way uplifting.
i'm really getting a lot out of this experience and am looking forward to holy week. i have a vacation from school during holy week (it doesn't always coincide), so i plan to go to the community of the holy spirit, where i am an associate, for holy week services.
blessed lent everyone!

zimbabwe

i'm thinking of entering a convent in zimbabwe. i want to work with aids orphans, and there aren't a ton of anglican convents that do that, as far as i can tell. there are two in zimbabwe that i've found. i recently met with a priest who used to live in zimbabwe and who knows these orders fairly well. she had some good, sound advice. i'm going to visit zimbabwe this summer and spend a couple of weeks at these convents to see what the holy spirit has to say about it all.
i heard someone recently say that you can't will something to happen, but you can be willing. i'm working hard on being willing. i wish i had five lifetimes because there's so much i want to do. i want to foster children here in nyc. i want to live someplace warm and sunny all year round. i want to be a religious. i guess i'm trying to do all that in one place. but, i have to keep reminding myself that i'm not in charge of all this. i keep turning it over to god.

lenten practice

most years, rather than give something up for lent, i take on a spiritual practice. i went to the open center bookstore last week and stocked up on the artist's way workbook, and a thich nhat hahn meditation cd to listen to on the subway, when i am at my most aggressive.
i'm already opening up from just a few days of doing the artist's way, esp. writing three pages stream of consciousness in the morning. it helps that i'm also on vacation from school this week. that makes me more open to the universe in general. i've spent the last couple of days doing my lenten work, going to the gym to swim (where i get my best praying done) and just relax in the sauna.
i love lent. it's perfect that it takes place in winter, when it's so cold and dark outside. it's such a quiet, introverted time and winter is when i have the least energy and want to stay in with candles burning and just be, rather than do. i think lent is like the spiritual version of saying, 5 more minutes, to god, pulling the spiritual covers closer and snuggling in with the holy spirit.
i'm also renting spiritual documentaries this lent. i just watched an inconvenient truth. i wish it had more of a message of hope, more here's what you can do to help. maybe i'll start by getting some house plants.
i wish you a blessed, quiet, soft lent.

belfast photos

iused to live in belfast, northern ireland. i lived on the falls road - in the middle of republican i.r.a. land, just down the road from gerry adams. no. ireland has been in the news lately so i dug out my photos to upload.
i truly believe the reason that things are calming down there are economic. everyone is comfortable, so there is no need for terrorism. actually, now the loyalists are the problem, because they have lost their status and position.
people in no. ireland compare their situation with israel/palestine all the time. i hope that no. ireland can help the situation in the middle east.

what lawyers do - according to a 2nd grader

today i was reading a biography about abraham lincoln, to prepare my 2nd grade class of immigrant kids for the american holiday of president's day. i read that he became a lawyer. i asked the students if they knew what a lawyer was. one girl raised her hand and i said, ok, what does a lawyer do? she replied that they make a lot of money and they talk a lot! i laughed my head off and told her that was true. in that case, all the chatty girls in my class decided they could become lawyers and get paid for talking! i asked my student who told her that about lawyers and she said her mom. all the kids have experienced the pains of trying to get a green card or citizenship.

u2charist

we had a u2charist at my church last week. it was to promote the episcopal church's dedication to the millenium development goals. it was a eucharist with both recorded and live playing of u2 songs in the place of hymns - the processional, offertory, etc. imagine karaoke, in church, and you're stone cold sober. it was a fund raiser for a charity in tanzania that sends girls to school. it costs $50 to send a girl to school for a year and provides her uniform, breakfast, and lunch.
the u2charist was a lot of fun! i did some karaoke in japan stone cold sober - although not in a church - so i'm ok with that idea.
it was one of the better episcopal services that i've been to in a while. we are known as god's frozen people and that's no joke. the traditional service is beautiful and austere but has very little joy to it. this was a joyful but serious-minded service.

on another note entirely - everyone must leave this blog at once and read ask sister mary martha. it's a blog by a "catholic nun" but i believe it's written by a fabulous gay man with incredible knowledge of the catholic church - perhaps a priest is writing it. every time i read it i laugh my head off.

happy new year

last night i went to a meditation at a yoga center here in nyc - jivamukti. every new year's eve they have a silent meditation from 9 pm till midnight, then chanting from midnight on. i have been going for 6 years now. i bring my diary from the year that is ending and read through it all the way, remembering happy moments, wincing at the "growth opportunities" that presented themselves to me throughout the year. then i write one last entry, then meditate until midnight. the main room becomes absolutely packed with people - there are maybe 200 to 250 (?) of us by the time it gets to midnight. i resolved to spend 2007 asking God for her will and trying to live that out. i had a slightly ecstatic experience while meditating - there's some really good energy going on in a room of 250 meditating new yorkers!
i'm hoping to go to zimbabwe this summer to visit the convent i'm interested in for a couple of weeks. things seem to be unsettled there now so i'm not sure how easy it will be to travel there this year but i'm working towards putting the money aside for the trip.
i found a fabulous fake nun blog (i think it's written by a gay man with a wicked sense of humour). it's called ask sister mary martha and it is about an 8th grade math teacher nun who lives with two other sisters in her dwindling order. every entry i read has me howling with laughter. it reminds me of sr. frances.
alas, school vacation ends for me tomorrow. i could use another week. i've so enjoyed my time off, going to spiritual meetings, meditations, the gym, seeing old friends - it's been so relaxing. but, i'm looking forward to seeing the kids and i'm much easier on them these days.
i brought the class pet (two hamsters, George Washington and Abraham Lincoln) home for the vacation. i have a golden retriever, Music. watching her watch that hamster cage reminds me of when my great-aunt Becky, the matriarch of the family, was alive. she would sit in front of the t.v. in her house coat with a beer and a ciggie-boo and watch her programs (soap operas). music is so transfixed on those hamsters it's like she's saying to me, "gotta go, my show is on." i've been putting the cage up high so she can't reach it (she's almost as tall as me when she stands on her hind legs!).
happy and healthy new year to you all.

cloneburger

i just heard on npr that the food industry (otherwise known as THEY) are planning to produce meat products from cloned animals. WHOA!!!!!!!! if i weren't already a vegetarian, this would send me flying into the arms of vegetarianism.
soylent green is people.
i'm amazed that as the food industry's bad practices are being exposed by films like Supersize Me and books like Fast Food Nation that they keep going on with outrageous ideas like this. we have only been cloning animals for a few years and we really, really, really don't know what we're about with it. ingesting cloned animals sounds like a potential stephen king disaster.
there's also a big political aspect to food. i teach 2nd grade in queens, in a working class neighborhood. i also teach sunday school at my church in an upper-middle class neighborhood. the kids at my church are all eating organic, hand-packed-by-mom lunches. the kids in queens are eating breakfast and lunch for free at school. the kids from queens could eat the same-age kids from the upper east side of manhattan! the queens kids are almost one and a half times the size of the kids from my neighb. i truly believe it's because of the growth hormones in the dairy and meat products that the working class kids are eating. it makes them taller and more obese than the kids eating the all-organic food. but, the kids from queens are not as educated about the detrimental effects of junk food and can't afford the organic stuff (i'd say at this point most of my disposable income is spent on organic and farmer's market food).
who do you think will be eating the cloneburger? not the kids in manhattan belown 125th street.

christmas thoughts

i've been sitting, thinking about what christmas means for me as a post-modern episcopalian. i don't believe it's the literal birthdate of jesus. i don't believe it should be a big birthday party for jesus (that's how christmas strikes me in britain where they wear paper hats at the dinner table). i think of most church calendar events these days as symbolic, landmarks throughout the year to keep the comforting human element of routine alive in religion. i was listening to the infinite mind on npr today and the show was about religion. they mentioned a sect of christianity that has stripped away all the symbols and rituals. that so works for some people, but i need those landmarks, those calendar dates dotted with the death dates of saints, the liturgical seasons when we change colors, change gospels, switch to rite 1 or maybe use another country's prayer book. it keeps me going, especially advent and lent because i hate winter so. i like to have christmas and all it's lights to look forward to and i need lent to get me through the end of winter, spiritually hibernating and finally breaking out into the world after the gloom of the tomb.
i think i'll pull out my vegetarian goddess cookbook and find a good recipe for solstice and light my candles and plug in my tree and listen to christmas carols and meditate.
merry christmas and happy new year.
love,
sister mary alt.

an immigrant child's story

i am teaching after school to 5th grade english language learners. today i had them write about an experience that happened in their lives. this boy wrote about his immigration story. this boy is from egypt and came to the states a few months ago. his story is typical of families coming to the u.s. the title is "too late"

When I was 4 year old I get up at 5 o'clock evening, my dad was carry a big bag. I'm asked, "Where you are going?" he said, "Somewhere." then he go to America and he don't come to me.
After 7 year, I'm coming to him with an airplane. I still in the plane about 11 hours. Then I'm stand 5 hours in the airport. Then i come to him.
He was late by 7 years, 16 hours, 43 minute and 3 second. He is not late, he is too late.

dont' let the bed bugs bite

one of my students told me yesterday that her father hit her with a belt and that she lives with her mother, father, brother, and sister in a studio. her brother and sister share a bed in the kitchen. she sleeps on the floor with her parents. i asked if she sleeps on a mattress on the floor and she explained that they had bedbugs last summer and had to throw out the mattresses so she sleeps on blankets on the floor with her parents.
of course i feel for her and i told her how sorry i was and i referred this situation to the proper counsellors at school but i can empathize with the parents. all my students are immigrants ( i teach esl). they can't afford more than a studio because the neighborhood is becoming pricey. 5 people in a studio and they can't afford new beds - beds are really expensive. i can see how mom and dad would get really freaked out and angry a lot.
i think of the abuse i experienced as a child (although my financial situation growning up was better than this girl's, i still went through hell as a child) and how i've been working through that in my adulthood. those events are in the past for me. this girl is living it right now and can't change it or get out.
i was thinking of asking for money for new mattresses at my church but then i thought, what if those get bed bugs? there's a major infestation in queens and all over nyc right now. even if their apt. is fumigated, what about the neighbors? that problem is not so easy to solve.
it's not just about fixing one little, manageable thing. it's a whole system. my students have to take a state-wide, standardized english language test every spring and it is so hard that kids their age who are native english speakers could not pass this thing. i believe it's set up that way to keep the kids in esl (which goes at a slower pace than mainstream classes but also carries with it a stigma) because someone's got to be the gas station attendant and it sure isn't going to be the native english speaker.
living in the school's neighborhood is expensive and parents make sacrifices like this because the schools are good. i mean, i won't compare them to the public schools in my neighborhood. but, for example, at my school we got 30 laptops for the 2nd grade to share. i use those things whenever i can with the kids. that makes a big difference in their lives and their futures.
i'm not sure where to go with this but i think the spirit is leading me somewhere. i'll talk to the peace and restorative justice committee at my church and see what comes of that.

help! i've become sr. francis!

i haven't written for so long because i had nothing much good to report. i last wrote that i wanted to be nicer this school year, loosen up a bit because behavior management is not an issue for me. well, be careful what you wish for. i have been the meanest teacher on the 2nd grade so far this year. i am my own worst nightmare, sr. francis, the meanest 5th grade math teacher (i'm assuming she had no vocation to the religious life or to teaching and that's what made her such a flaming bitch - honestly, if i could get my hands on her today ...).
i realize that this year, out of 18 students, 8 of them are total space cases. they just stare into space with their mouths open, not doing anything, totally zoned out. usually i have one or two kids like that, this year it's literally half the class. i teach esl but it's not a language issue, these kids understand english just fine, they've been at school in nyc since kindergarten. they understand me, they just aren't paying any attention. as a result i spend the most part of my day keeping these kids on task. simple acts like opening their notebooks and writing their headings take a great deal of time and focus. for some of them i have an idea of what is going on, for the majority of them i don't know why they are so tuned out.
i told one girl the other day that she had better start paying attention in class and showing me that she is a serious student because when she grows up a prince is not going to marry her and give her all the money she wants for doing nothing. instead, she will have to get a job, everybody has to work, and she will never go to college and get a good job if she doesn't know that 5 + 3= 8 because she has not been paying one bit of attention in math class. i told her that being cute does not get you that far in life, you have to know things, things that you learn in school.
oy vey.
i am noticing that when i get annoyed and yell at the kids that i am saying to them things that the nuns said to me when i was a girl. i honestly think that there are some depths of emotion for me to plummet here. maybe this third year of teaching for me is going to be about learning about my own childhood and becoming more compassionate towards my students. i certainly feel like i'm not being compassionate right now.
i'm focusing my prayer life and recovery work around my issues with certain children and my own childhood issues. i need to remember that god is in charge of my classroom and that i am but a trusted servant. it's easy to cross the line from organizing the class and creating structure to becoming a bossy, controll freak!
please pray for me - and my poor students - as i embark on this journey.

first day of school!

tomorrow is the first day of school and i'm so excited! i had a so-so vacation - mostly because i am not the type of person who should have so much free time. i'm a protestant, i have a strong work-ethic, my parents were raised during the great depression and instilled in me a drive to work, work, work. so be it.
i got my room all ready and it looks beautiful. i'll take some new pics and attach later.
every year i focus on a new goal in teaching. my goal this year is to be nicer. i have classroom management down pat. i went to catholic school as a child and i learned how to manage kids. they know i'm not kidding around. now i can lighten up a bit, loosen up the reins. teachers all say don't smile until december. isn't that awful? i did it the first two years, but to heck with that. we can have fun while learning.
one of the main reasons i want to be nicer is because it's not easy being a child. i remember when i was a kid i felt so powerless and out of control. i was always so frustrated and generally pissed off as a child. now i embrace being powerless and not having control because i know that god is in charge and i happily relinquish any thought of control over to her. but, back then i was under the rules of my parents, who were not perfect and did not come from perfect childhoods themselves and while they did the best they knew how, i felt unprotected and scared and angry a lot. my students come from other countries (i teach esl) and have a really hard time adjusting to life here. i want to create a safe space for them in the classroom. they spend more waking hours a day with me than with their parents so i need for the classroom to be a place they are happy to be. i can do that, while still maintaining class rules.
i'm pretty much scrapping the idea that to be "good" means to sit still and be quiet. that's no way to learn. and boys just can't do it. nor should they. girls can handle that ok, but it really sucks for boys. they need to be active in learning. active learning is good for girls as well.
i'm lucky to have two vocations.

retreat

i finally, finally, finally went away for three days to visit a family friend on the delaware shore. i can't describe to you how stressed out i was before going - all of my own making, i'm not bloody working or anything so i had to create stress and drama to keep my hand in you know, so i wouldn't forget or anything. there were other, hormonal factors at play in my stress as well. suffice it to say, i almost didn't go. damn this protestant work ethic. i was really feeling badly because i felt i wasn't doing enough.
in my spiritual life i strive to do less and to concentrate more on being. i'm not a human doing, i'm a human being. but, i forgot about all that and started to feel actually unworthy because i wasn't doing enough. meanwhile, the e.r. was becoming my retreat center because i was in fact doing so much i needed some quiet, quality "me" time and the e.r. was the only place i could find it!
I AM SO GLAD I WENT AWAY TO DELAWARE!!!!
in just three days i really relaxed. i stretched out on the couch and watched a lot of old movies with my friend. we went to the beach with her two grandsons. she and i went antiquing and then had lunch in rehoboth. it was so relaxing and pleasant and it reminded me that i deserve and need vacations and breaks and to get away. staycation does not really do it for relaxation.
now, like any native manhattanite, i cannot drive a car. i took lessons last year and failed the test and then grad school started again and i just didn't have time for more lessons and decided i've made it to 37 without needing to drive, i can just keep on going that way. but, i talked to another native ny'er the other day who told me she got her license at 34 by just taking lessons until she didn't suck anymore. i could do that in the spring, and in queens. i was taking lessons in manhattan which was terrifying. queens is practically bucolic (sp?).
i have fantasies of renting a car, throwing the dog in the back and just taking off for a weekend getaway or retreat at a monastery or convent. there are several around here that are great.
meanwhile, i can take the dog on the commuter train up the hudson to some cute colonial era towns for a day trip of lunch and antiquing. i can do that. i hereby resolve to get away more often for spiritual retreats and more secular ones as well.

little miss sunshine

i saw this movie last night and i cannot recommend it enough! it was hilariously funny and all the actors were perfectly cast. it was a joy to see steve carrell play it "straight" (although his character is gay but not playing one of his goofy characterizations). greg kinnear, toni collette, alan arkin were wonderful but the two children worked their comedic roles simply, without pushing the laughs, just natural, which is definitely not always the way of children actors.
i keep thinking of scenes from the movie today and laughing out loud in the middle of walking down the street - people staring at me, who cares? it's one of the few dvds i'll buy when it comes out.