lydia, oh lydia, oh, have you seen lydia?

so, i'm realizing a whole lotta things all at once which is pretty flippy trippy.
1. it's looking like i am not going to be a nun in the traditional sense.
2. this should not surprise me as i am not an altogether traditional person.
3. it did surprise me at first, but i am getting my head wrapped around it.
4. when i was in swaziland, staying with sr. carole at ohp's orphanage, she told me that convents around the world are getting smaller with fewer and fewer women entering them but that it's ok. god has god's seasons and maybe the holy spirit has something else in mind for the church now. something new. she reminded me that when the anglican church started seeing a grass roots building up of religious orders in the mid-19th century, the holy spirit was guiding that. now, governments do the work that nun used to do. ngo's do that work.
5. once i got back from swaziland i was faced with something i had been putting to the back of my mind b/c i was so focused on getting to africa. something that had been bothering me a lot lately and this is it: i stopped going to church b/c i was burned out on over-extending myself there. i missed the eucharist though. this summer i went to mid-day eucharist services at big churches and the cathedral. i have been in the episcopal church my whole life. i went to catholic school as well which is similar in liturgy. all of a sudden, the mass was starting to look silly to me. a man or woman wearing a ridiculous poncho thingy whose origins were ancient and useless today, waving his or her hands over the magic goblet and cookies. the whole eucharist was starting to look like harry potter to me. i definitely wasn't feeling the presence of christ. i wasn't seeing the connection between this and christ's message of love, integrity, hope. instead, i was getting caught up in the show and flash.
-allow me to interrupt myself to say this is strictly a personal experience. i am not saying that the eucharist is silly or the traditions of the episcopal or catholic church. it's just not working for me anymore.
6. i've started going to an emerging church in alphabet city. it's called st. lydia's and the service is - we cook a large dinner. we meet in the narthex (st. lydia's rents space from a lutheran church) and sing plain chant. we go to the sanctuary where dinner tables are set up. an ordained person blesses the bread (a delicious baguette) and we all pass it around. we eat dinner together. once we are done eating, we read a bible passage aloud. the person in charge for the day gives a mini-sermon on the passage. we share our understanding of the passage. we hold up our wine glasses at the end of the meal and the wine is blessed. and that's communion. it's an agape meal, like the one the early church people used to have. it's intimate, personal, community. it's lovely. sometimes it's messy and scruffy, just like christ and his followers. i'm really enjoying it.

i had to post this link a lady-priest friend of mine posted on her facebook page.

top ten reasons why men shouldn't be ordained

u.u.

i just took that belief-o-matic quiz on beliefnet.com and came up a unitarian universalist ... AGAIN! i took the quiz for the first time several years ago and my results were similar. episcopalian didn't even come up in my list as also rans.
1. Unitarian Universalism (100%)
2. Neo-Pagan (93%)
3. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (88%)
4. Liberal Quakers (88%)
5. New Age (87%)
6. Mahayana Buddhism (86%)
7. New Thought (83%)
8. Hinduism (79%)
9. Theravada Buddhism (79%)
10. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (77%)

good think i'm an episcopalian! there's plenty of room for people like me in the episcopal church.

back home and thinking, praying, meditating

i've been back for a week and half or so now and i've been:
*thinking
*praying
*meditating
*listening
*talking with a lot of people - a friend who works for episcopal relief and development and i'm meeting with someone in the mission office at the main office of the episcopal church (affectionately known as 815 due to its address of 815 second avenue in nyc).
i've also been talking with priests, pastors, nuns, and laypeople because of some thoughts i was having before i left for africa but put to the side because i was so focused on getting to africa. now that i'm back, i am having these thoughts again. and here's what i'm thinking. when i go to church and i watch the priest bless the bread and the wine i'm reminded that since we lived in caves, humans have always had a need for shamanism/magic workers/religion/spirituality. i think that's what the ritual of the church fills - when the priest stands there wearing big, colorful robes, waving his or her hands over wafers and a fancy goblet of wine ... it looks like a magic show or something to me suddenly. it looks incredibly silly. i've been going to the same church since i was 12. before that, i went to catholic school and i've been watching priests do this since i was small. i don't believe in transubstantiation and i'm not required to thank god (literally) but i've never thought the eucharist was silly before. now, i really have to ask myself - what is the purpose of this? why is this priest wearing that silly outfit that (s)he would never wear in normal life. why is (s)he waving her/his hands over these bits of bread and wine? what has this to do with the christian message? with the good news of jesus? with love your enemy?
i think part of it is that i'm just not feeling it at church these days. it feels like motions to go through, not a genuine reflection of god's love for her people.
i'm looking at emerging church. i did some research and found anglimergent and some emerging churches in manhattan. i also watched brian mclaren's keynote speech to the diocese of d.c. at their convention which i highly recommend.
i also found some stuff about neo or new monasticism. you'll just have to google that one, i can't include all the links. there's a house in north philadelphia that i'd like to visit. it's called the simple way. closer to home there's radical living. just looking at the websites they seem like intentional living communes. they're neither of them episcopalian but they are christian. they don't pray together like how traditional nuns do the daily office but they are living the message. st. francis once said preach the gospels. use words if necessary. that's what they are doing.
but, this is just the beginning of my search.

overseas nun sighting

so, despite my doubts that i should be a religious, i'm still seeing nuns. i saw one in the johannesburg airport the day i was leaving (god is so ironic and bitchy). today, in london, i was waiting for the lift (elevator) to take me up from the tube (subway) station and saw a nun in white habit reflected in the shiny lift doors. i turned around and smiled at her (grimly).
last hope - order of st. helena's in augusta, georgia. they have something going on in ghana i believe. i'll call them when i get home.
please keep me in your prayers because i am really confused.

lots to think about

i'm in england now - london. i'm heading to whitby tomorrow. i've just been in swaziland for close to two weeks. when i get home i'll put pictures up. the sisters from ohp run an orphanage for girls who have been abused in swaziland. they have 25 girls right now and 8 are hiv positive. the girls were so sweet and fun and good. i worked with a few of them on homework and one girl in particular on reading. i won't go into the girls' stories but many of them are horrific. a lot of rape.
i had some really good, long, intersting talks with sr. carole, ohp. she runs the orphanage with sr. karan but sr. karan is in england for chapter so i didn't get to meet her. i don't think she'll be there when i am at whitby either. that's ok though.
here's some of what came from my conversations with sr. carole:
- this convent is closing up its work in africa. they've recently closed their house in johannesburg. sr. carole doesn't expect them to be in swaziland but a few more years.
- if i do enter ohp (or any other convent when i think about it) i would not go to africa or i would only go for a little while.
- instead, i would probably do administrative work at the mother house.
- i would probably also take care of the older sisters.
- what will the convent look like in 40-50 years when i am old? will there be anyone to look after me? would i be the last nun standing?
- am i really going to give up my pension for that?
to be continued ...

getting from point a to point b

i'm leaving on monday for africa to visit the order of the holy paraclete at their house in swaziland where they run a girl's orphanage. i am flying into johannesburg. flights to swaziland are sold out (i'm imagining a 10-seater plane made of balsa wood and rubber bands). there's a backpacker bus tour that goes to swaziland - the last bus leaves at 9.15 a.m. and i arrive in the jo'burg airport at 8.35 a.m. there are minibus taxis but they seem dangerous at best. the vans are in bad condition, the drivers are insane, they don't go direct but will drop me off at a location and tell me to change buses. meanwhile, i'll be alone with a u.s. passport, money, and a vagina. the state dept. and british home office websites basically say that if you're a woman you'll be raped as soon as you set foot in jo'burg. great.
i'm a seasoned traveler but this is nervous making.
so, please pray for me to get to bulembu in one piece with my passport, money, and hoo-hoo intact.