Thursday, October 30, 2008

how much do i love god?

i read on a friend's facebook page the dorothy day quote - i love god only as much as the person i love the least. that has really been buzzing in my brain for the last few days since i read it. there are a lot of people i don't love. people that get on my nerves. people that i think are against me. people that i hate.
i saw a man yesterday who i sometimes see in the neighb. he was walking ahead of me up the subway stairs out to the street. he used to go to my church and when i was a teenager, unbeknownst to me, he was sexually abusing a dear friend of mine from youth group. i found out about the abuse years later. everytime i see this man, this pedophile, it absolutely gallls me. i get so upset i shake. i want to spit on him! i'm not sure why he isn't in jail. something about the statute of limitations. as soon as i saw him i thought of that dorothy day quote - it just popped right into my head! i have not come to any conclusion or answer ... i'm just mulling it over with god for now. i don't feel like i have to love this person - that is too much to consider for now. but, maybe i can let go and let god love this man. maybe i can look at him as a flawed child of god instead of as a pedophile, an abuser, evil.
being a christian does not mean being a doormat. i'm not suggesting i forgive and forget - this man is still a danger to teenaged boys. i do not believe that there is a cure for pedophilia. however, there is a cure for self-righteous anger and hatred. i am so sorry for my friend. i am sorry that there are people who hurt children teenagers, animals, victims who can't defend themselves. i can't understand it all and i don't have to. that's not my job. it's god's job. i can let god do her job.