Thursday, September 15, 2005

a very un-nunlike moment

i'm stressing out big time. i have an old great-auntie in hospice in florida. i am maintaining her house and about to start working out probate (no will) which is a nightmare of epic proportions. i'm pretty broke and paying the bills on her house, let alone my own home, is hard.
i was on the subway after a complete day of teaching 19 seven-year olds, on my way to grad school for the evening. i had my feet up on the seat across from me. i'm on my feet all day and just sitting is not enough of a relief. i need them up and the subway in nyc is disgusting anyway so feet up is not too frowned upon.
except to the lady who got on at the next stop. she snapped her fingers in my face and told me to get my feet off so she could sit in the seat next to where my feet were. nyc is pretty intense. the energy and pace of the city is fast and stressful. tempers flare easily. hers and mine. we ended up screaming at each other and cursing. grrrrrr.... it's one thing when a nut job yells at me - goodness knows we have plenty of screaming mimi's here. but I was a nut job too this time. i did not take the higher ground and keep silent or move to another car. i didn't even take my feet off, just for spite! oohh, it was a bad day and may even end up on my life confession when i get to that point.
nuns have to make a confession to a priest of THEIR ENTIRE LIVES!!!
nowadays when i am encouraged to take part in something i know is not spiritually sound but sounds tempting, i ask myself if i want to confess it to a priest. if the answer is no, then i don't do it. i've got enough to keep a priest busy as it is. i don't need to add more.
when i got to class i told a friend about my subway argument. she said, "that's not very nun-like!" i told her to shut the fluff up. to which she replied, "and that's not very nun-like either!" ugh. hoisted on my own petard!
last night i worried so much about money and how i was going to manage all this i could barely sleep. i woke up at 4 am from a nightmare and could not sleep again. i told god, i really can't handle this. my life if unmanageable because of my fear and bad attitude about money. i need help and badly. i need help to feel better about this, and i need money. i was starting to doze a bit and i heard a soft voice in my head (but it wasn't my own voice) say, "oh, jen. oh, jen." it sounded slightly exasperated but strangely reassuring at the same time. the tone of "oh, jen" was as if to say, "everything's going to be alright. you'll see. you've been in tight situations before and i've always taken care of you. i will take care of you here, too."
when i got up to go to work i meditated and turned all my money worries over to god, while promising to act according to god's will as best i can understand that.
i took some actions today, calling a lawyer and starting to map this mess out a bit. i also spoke to a trusted friend who is going through something similar. just talking with her made me feel so much better.
i feel alone in taking care of this, but, of course, i'm not. i have god. i have friends, really good friends.
my attitudes and my fear are my worst enemy. i read that the opposite of love isn't evil, it's fear. i need to remind myself of that around this house business.

5 comments:

the reverend mommy said...

"Be strong and take courage" from Joshua chapter 1 is like my very favorite passage right now. I think it says it 4 times in the course of 10 verses. "Be strong and take courage and remember I am with you."

Yep, easy words to say and hard to dwell in.

And BTW, I have very "Un-reverend" like moments several times a week. Ok, a day. It happens.

I'm praying for you today. {hug}

LutheranChik said...

I'm guardian and conservator for a disabled elderly aunt, so I can relate to your post...my aunt had (putting it mildly to say the least) mental-health issues that led to my seeking POA, and I remember literally picking through all the household papers that she'd thrown in her yard with her trash, trying to find her important documents. Your getting an attorney to help you is a very good thing. Also -- if your loved one is a Medicare recipient and has problems in that regard, your local council or commission on aging will be able to help you -- things like understanding billings, going through Medicaid spenddowns, the new Medicare Part D prescription program, etc.

Re not sounding "holy" enough -- actually, hearing officially holy folks sounding like the rest of us poor miserable sinners rather endears them to me!

Anonymous said...

So nice to hear you aren't perfect! : ) And zoinks are you courgaeous?!...picking a fight on the subway AND keeping your feet UP. I am impressed.

I believe God surrounds and moves through us whatever we are doing...even when we are being, eh-hum , less than holy.

Karekin said...

God's good day! So nice to hear from you. I will certainly blog about
my experience soon. It was overwhelming.

I like you site and wish you well in your vocational discernment.
Please know I hold you in prayer.

Peace and blessings,
Br. Karekin
Punk Monk San Francisco

Grace said...

Hello Jen!
You posted on my long term service discernment blog months ago (www.discerningjourney.blog.com). I can't believe it's taken me so long to get back to you. That's so cool that your mom was at Catholic during the Father Hartke days. I know a lot has changed since those days, sometimes I wonder what Father Hartke would think if he saw the drama department now. I worked with a CUA alum last year (Bill Largess) when I was stage managing a show last year who was in Father Harke's final class. I loved hearing him tell stories about Father Harke and Dr. Callan. I left you the link to my main blog I talk about CUA quite often since I'm still at school here. I'm going to link your blog to mine. I hope that's all right. I hope you'll stay in touch.
May God Bless and Keep You.