this is my first christmas without my mom. i was lucky enough to be invited to spend it with my half-brother (from my father's first marriage) and his family in north carolina. i had a nice time, they are a really nice family. i grew up ... i suppose "alternatively" being a new yorker, so it's always interesting for me to see how people live in america.
my brother's family go to the methodist church and i have been with them during a prior visit. we went to church on christmas day but there was no communion! i have to say i feel pretty weirded out about not receiving communion on christmas. i know it's not like easter or anything, but still. i guess i'll have to wait till this coming sunday, new year's day.
the first anniversary of my mother's death is coming up on jan. 8 and i'm finding that this whole first year i have felt mostly relief and that's pretty much it. taking care of her was difficult. before she got ill she was really difficult. alcoholism is such a devestating disease.
now that this first year is winding down, i'm starting to separate the person from the disease of alcoholism and i'm starting to miss her, the person, my mother. she was so entrenched in her disease it's taking me a long time to remember her apart from it.
i think that god has completely transformed her, removing her soul from her body, which truly was a prison, she is completely god's light.
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It was six months before I could actually cry about my mother's death (she, too was an alcoholic), and then I cried, not because she was dead, but because she had never been my friend. Then an angel asked me, "well, do you have any friends?" And I said "oh, yes! I have lots of friends." And then I creid even harder, because I realized how blessed I was without even thinking about it in that way. After that I began to appreciate my mom apart from her disease too.
we had communion this Christmas day (methodist church) and I think it was a first. I was asked if I thought it was appropriate - and I have to say it was entirely appropriate, though my heart broke as I broke the bread. It carried more meaning that ever before.
love to you , death and separation is hard - no matter what we believe - and I'm sorry for your loss
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