retreat

i finally, finally, finally went away for three days to visit a family friend on the delaware shore. i can't describe to you how stressed out i was before going - all of my own making, i'm not bloody working or anything so i had to create stress and drama to keep my hand in you know, so i wouldn't forget or anything. there were other, hormonal factors at play in my stress as well. suffice it to say, i almost didn't go. damn this protestant work ethic. i was really feeling badly because i felt i wasn't doing enough.
in my spiritual life i strive to do less and to concentrate more on being. i'm not a human doing, i'm a human being. but, i forgot about all that and started to feel actually unworthy because i wasn't doing enough. meanwhile, the e.r. was becoming my retreat center because i was in fact doing so much i needed some quiet, quality "me" time and the e.r. was the only place i could find it!
I AM SO GLAD I WENT AWAY TO DELAWARE!!!!
in just three days i really relaxed. i stretched out on the couch and watched a lot of old movies with my friend. we went to the beach with her two grandsons. she and i went antiquing and then had lunch in rehoboth. it was so relaxing and pleasant and it reminded me that i deserve and need vacations and breaks and to get away. staycation does not really do it for relaxation.
now, like any native manhattanite, i cannot drive a car. i took lessons last year and failed the test and then grad school started again and i just didn't have time for more lessons and decided i've made it to 37 without needing to drive, i can just keep on going that way. but, i talked to another native ny'er the other day who told me she got her license at 34 by just taking lessons until she didn't suck anymore. i could do that in the spring, and in queens. i was taking lessons in manhattan which was terrifying. queens is practically bucolic (sp?).
i have fantasies of renting a car, throwing the dog in the back and just taking off for a weekend getaway or retreat at a monastery or convent. there are several around here that are great.
meanwhile, i can take the dog on the commuter train up the hudson to some cute colonial era towns for a day trip of lunch and antiquing. i can do that. i hereby resolve to get away more often for spiritual retreats and more secular ones as well.

little miss sunshine

i saw this movie last night and i cannot recommend it enough! it was hilariously funny and all the actors were perfectly cast. it was a joy to see steve carrell play it "straight" (although his character is gay but not playing one of his goofy characterizations). greg kinnear, toni collette, alan arkin were wonderful but the two children worked their comedic roles simply, without pushing the laughs, just natural, which is definitely not always the way of children actors.
i keep thinking of scenes from the movie today and laughing out loud in the middle of walking down the street - people staring at me, who cares? it's one of the few dvds i'll buy when it comes out.

broke again!

it seems that every week i have a negative bank balance. i have gotten into the very bad habit of borrowing money from my boyfriend, and then paying him back the next week when i get paid. i have terrible credit, so no credit card company will extend me credit. it's a cycle that i can't seem to break. i'm not living extravagantly - although, it's becoming more and more difficult to be middle class in manhattan these days. but, my rent is stabilized (thank god) and the most i spend money on is food (which is expensive here and i only buy organic and from the green market and i know too much about the food industry after working in it to go back to the grocery store so there it is).
now, being broke in the upper east side is a whole different thing than being broke in, say, africa or india. i'm only "broke" until the next paycheck comes, which is next week. i have a fridge and cabinets full of food. maybe not food that i am in the mood for, i'm not going to order in mexican tonight or anything, but food nonetheless.
i knew i had to work out my issues with men before i took on a vow of chastity, i didn't want to enter a convent to avoid dealing with men again (traumatic childhood experiences) and i think i need to seriously deal with my money issues before taking on a vow of poverty.
my parents were not good stewards of money. my dad was totally broke - in the extreme sense of the word. he went from being an executive to a concierge in a hotel while i was a child. my mother grew up during the depression and world war ii and believed in lack. she never thought there was enough of anything and taught me that. she didn't believe there was enough money, stuff, love, faith, god. i am trying to live in opposite land, the opposite of what she taught me. however, i am struggling to believe there is enough money.
at least i'm not alone. it seems that everyone had credit card debt. does that mean that no one can live on their salaries alone? that people spend their salaries, and then charge more stuff on top of it? i think the average credit card debt is in the tens of thousands, which sounds to me like people are living above their means.
i'm thinking of going to debtor's anonymous meetings. i need to break this pattern of belief about money. it does not reflect god's abundance in my life. and there are so many examples of that abundance. i just can't think of any right now because i'm freaked out about being broke.
it's good practice for the convent. although, when i'm in a convent, i'll be living in community. right now i feel as though i'm doing this all alone.

if women ran the anglican communion ...

i get the feeling there wouldn't be this much of an uproar if the majority of movers and shakers (read gasbags and windbags in skirts) were women. i mean, when i read about all the communiques and letters to the archbishop of canterbury (THERE'S a job i wouldn't want) as if big daddy is going to make everything all right ... i get the feeling that a lot of these priests are running around with their cassock skirts over their heads, shrieking and screaming and stomping their feet!
i can say what i like now b/c i've got no vow of obedience yet. i'll settle down later when i have to say, "yes, reverend mother.
actually, i have been noticing something about the women priests i know. the more i meet, the less of them tell me they want to be rectors. i'm starting to think that the role of parish priest, as it exists now, does not suit women and the way we work. it's a model that was designed by men, for men, and despite the fact that women have been being ordained for over 30 years, there doesn't seem to be a lot of change. women priests seem to be expected to fill this mold that was created by and for men. i know when i thought about becoming a priest as a teenager it really didn't appeal. the pastoral part does, but the administration aspect, the fundraising, the being the boss in an officey/corporatey atmosphere does not appeal. i think it does not appeal to more women than just me. and i hear of women priests being scolded by other women priests for not becoming rectors, that there's a shortage of women rectors. however, i understand that pretty much nearly half of all seminarians are women now. so, if we have plenty of women being ordained, but not enough women rectors, perhaps it's the model of rectorship that's the issue.
hmmmm.....
maybe the episcopal church (815 that is) needs an idustrial organizational psychologist. oh, can you imagine? talk about cassocks up in the air and shrieking!