Friday, August 25, 2006

retreat

i finally, finally, finally went away for three days to visit a family friend on the delaware shore. i can't describe to you how stressed out i was before going - all of my own making, i'm not bloody working or anything so i had to create stress and drama to keep my hand in you know, so i wouldn't forget or anything. there were other, hormonal factors at play in my stress as well. suffice it to say, i almost didn't go. damn this protestant work ethic. i was really feeling badly because i felt i wasn't doing enough.
in my spiritual life i strive to do less and to concentrate more on being. i'm not a human doing, i'm a human being. but, i forgot about all that and started to feel actually unworthy because i wasn't doing enough. meanwhile, the e.r. was becoming my retreat center because i was in fact doing so much i needed some quiet, quality "me" time and the e.r. was the only place i could find it!
I AM SO GLAD I WENT AWAY TO DELAWARE!!!!
in just three days i really relaxed. i stretched out on the couch and watched a lot of old movies with my friend. we went to the beach with her two grandsons. she and i went antiquing and then had lunch in rehoboth. it was so relaxing and pleasant and it reminded me that i deserve and need vacations and breaks and to get away. staycation does not really do it for relaxation.
now, like any native manhattanite, i cannot drive a car. i took lessons last year and failed the test and then grad school started again and i just didn't have time for more lessons and decided i've made it to 37 without needing to drive, i can just keep on going that way. but, i talked to another native ny'er the other day who told me she got her license at 34 by just taking lessons until she didn't suck anymore. i could do that in the spring, and in queens. i was taking lessons in manhattan which was terrifying. queens is practically bucolic (sp?).
i have fantasies of renting a car, throwing the dog in the back and just taking off for a weekend getaway or retreat at a monastery or convent. there are several around here that are great.
meanwhile, i can take the dog on the commuter train up the hudson to some cute colonial era towns for a day trip of lunch and antiquing. i can do that. i hereby resolve to get away more often for spiritual retreats and more secular ones as well.