it seems that every week i have a negative bank balance. i have gotten into the very bad habit of borrowing money from my boyfriend, and then paying him back the next week when i get paid. i have terrible credit, so no credit card company will extend me credit. it's a cycle that i can't seem to break. i'm not living extravagantly - although, it's becoming more and more difficult to be middle class in manhattan these days. but, my rent is stabilized (thank god) and the most i spend money on is food (which is expensive here and i only buy organic and from the green market and i know too much about the food industry after working in it to go back to the grocery store so there it is).
now, being broke in the upper east side is a whole different thing than being broke in, say, africa or india. i'm only "broke" until the next paycheck comes, which is next week. i have a fridge and cabinets full of food. maybe not food that i am in the mood for, i'm not going to order in mexican tonight or anything, but food nonetheless.
i knew i had to work out my issues with men before i took on a vow of chastity, i didn't want to enter a convent to avoid dealing with men again (traumatic childhood experiences) and i think i need to seriously deal with my money issues before taking on a vow of poverty.
my parents were not good stewards of money. my dad was totally broke - in the extreme sense of the word. he went from being an executive to a concierge in a hotel while i was a child. my mother grew up during the depression and world war ii and believed in lack. she never thought there was enough of anything and taught me that. she didn't believe there was enough money, stuff, love, faith, god. i am trying to live in opposite land, the opposite of what she taught me. however, i am struggling to believe there is enough money.
at least i'm not alone. it seems that everyone had credit card debt. does that mean that no one can live on their salaries alone? that people spend their salaries, and then charge more stuff on top of it? i think the average credit card debt is in the tens of thousands, which sounds to me like people are living above their means.
i'm thinking of going to debtor's anonymous meetings. i need to break this pattern of belief about money. it does not reflect god's abundance in my life. and there are so many examples of that abundance. i just can't think of any right now because i'm freaked out about being broke.
it's good practice for the convent. although, when i'm in a convent, i'll be living in community. right now i feel as though i'm doing this all alone.