Tuesday, January 01, 2008

taking care

my boyfriend and i broke up last week. we'd been together over three years - the longest i've been with anyone by a very long stretch. we're working out how to be friends - he's so important to me and i want to be friends.
i spent my entire life taking care of my mother's feelings, because she couldn't. then i took care of john's feelings, because he couldn't. now i have no one to take care of other than myself and i believe that it is time for me to take care of me and only me as i become more and more ready for my new life.
i've cut my hair into what i dub my "nun haircut." i've stopped coloring my hair for the first time since i was 19 years old. i've stopped wearing make up. and now i've left my romantic relationship.
in my past, i used to try to fill up the god-sized hole in my life with a man. i used to look to men to make everything better for me, everything from my past. i stopped doing that several years ago. now i have a man-sized hole instead of a god-sized hole. that is more manageable.
i truly believe that when something leaves our lives, there is that much more room for the universe to fill up that space with something better. i think that space is more room for me. more room for god.
i want to go to bulembu as early as possible. maybe by my next vacation, which is during lent. i would love to be in africa for lent.


Charlotte said...

Hi, Jen. I'm one of those non-US readers - I have no idea how I found your site, but I enjoy reading where you are on your journey.

I've been thinking recently about God-sized holes. The holes in my family are filled with gifts. As you might imagine, Christmas is especially stressful without God in the wrappings.

I've been teaching kids about "making room for God" for years, through the visual of a vase filled first with sand, pebbles, stones, rocks - not much fits. Then you dump it all out and put in the God-sized rocks first, followed by progressively smaller stones - it all fits in. I never thought to apply the lesson to my mom or my sister.

Thank you for the words to make the physical analogy work.


p.s. Nuns really can't wear make-up?

Anonymous said...

Another great entry Jen. Thanks for writing. It's amazing that people are reading your blog from around the world...