but it's hell in the hallway

there's a twist on the "when god closes one door" expression which goes:
when god closes one door (s)he opens another ... but it's hell in the hallway.
over the years i have learned to accept and even like the hallway. it provides rest time (i love, love, love rest) and allows me to slow down and think about what direction i'm being called to.
i had planned to move to barcelona with dog and bunny in the fall of 2009 and live for a year or two, working online part-time, tutoring a little for cash, relaxing on the beach a lot, making friends. i decided i needed some transition time before going from this life i have here to the convent. to go straight from one to the other without a breather would be more difficult. i also can't go with my dog so i have to wait for her to die. i'm not giving her away. i just couldn't. i want to be with her at the end, hold her paw and say good-bye. kiss her nosey-posey. say i love her.
anyway, i decided if we have to wait, we can do it some place warm, with beaches, in europe.
however, with the financial crisis, i'm thinking this is not the time to leave my cheap apt. and steady job. so, into the hallway i go.
my spiritual life is hallwayesque as well. i go to the community of the holy spirit when i can. i'm an associate there. my spiritual director is there.
i'm praying the daily office with this great book by phyllis tickle that maps out the different prayer services of the day: morning prayer, noonday, vespers, compline. it's really easy to follow and beautifully written.
i'm just waiting.
i haven't written because there's little to write about.
could be that way for a while.

how much do i love god?

i read on a friend's facebook page the dorothy day quote - i love god only as much as the person i love the least. that has really been buzzing in my brain for the last few days since i read it. there are a lot of people i don't love. people that get on my nerves. people that i think are against me. people that i hate.
i saw a man yesterday who i sometimes see in the neighb. he was walking ahead of me up the subway stairs out to the street. he used to go to my church and when i was a teenager, unbeknownst to me, he was sexually abusing a dear friend of mine from youth group. i found out about the abuse years later. everytime i see this man, this pedophile, it absolutely gallls me. i get so upset i shake. i want to spit on him! i'm not sure why he isn't in jail. something about the statute of limitations. as soon as i saw him i thought of that dorothy day quote - it just popped right into my head! i have not come to any conclusion or answer ... i'm just mulling it over with god for now. i don't feel like i have to love this person - that is too much to consider for now. but, maybe i can let go and let god love this man. maybe i can look at him as a flawed child of god instead of as a pedophile, an abuser, evil.
being a christian does not mean being a doormat. i'm not suggesting i forgive and forget - this man is still a danger to teenaged boys. i do not believe that there is a cure for pedophilia. however, there is a cure for self-righteous anger and hatred. i am so sorry for my friend. i am sorry that there are people who hurt children teenagers, animals, victims who can't defend themselves. i can't understand it all and i don't have to. that's not my job. it's god's job. i can let god do her job.

double dip nun sighting(s)

a couple of weeks ago i saw a nun on third and 60th while i was zipping by on the bus. then, a few block later, another nun - different habit,different order but both in full habits! i'm telling you, no one else in nyc sees this many nuns. my friends are more "aware" of nuns now b/c i'm always talking about seeing nuns so you'd think they might start seeing nuns too, like you see nuns when you're aware of them and looking for them kind of thing. except, no. i'm still the only one seeing nuns on a regular basis.
so, i'm asking myself, as i get closer to doing this, i have two vocations: one for being a religious and one for teaching in africa. if i had to choose, which one comes first? if i enter ohp will i go to africa? and if i can't go to africa, can i live in england - where it's cold and rainy all the time - and not teach and not be in africa? seeing nuns so very very very much makes me think that the nun thing is not a coinkydink. it's a real calling.
more will be revealed.

john stewart on sarah pallin

nun sighting

i haven't had a nun sighting in a while but i also haven't been out in a while. i had bunion surgery - while i have health insurance and summers off i thought it would be a good idea. i spent all of july in my apt. with my foot propped up. blah. i'm just getting out and about these last couple of weeks.
i started going to school this week to set up my classroom. i saw a nun on the subway platform. she was asian, wearing a gray habit with a white veil. she was alone. it reminded me of the days when nuns used to go about in pairs. for safety? to keep them from temptation? well, whatever the reason, it seems to be impractical now. they go solo.

bunny hero

i doubt my bunny, bunny bun bun, would save my life from a fire! maybe the dog would.
pet bunny saves family from house fire

and all manner of things shall be exceedingly well

i had bunion surgery and have been sitting with my foot up for 3 weeks. i've been pretty ok - lots of visits from friends and LOTS of help from friends makes it easier. but, lately, i've been getting seriously stir crazy. i've been holed up in my apt. the entire time save one doctor's appt. 2 weeks ago. i haven't even been out to my garden b/c i really needed to lie down with my foot elevated for the swelling. last night i had a temper tantrum. that helped.
today i got even more help. i woke up at 11 am (it's summer vacation for this teacher so i go to bed at 2 am). i woke up and thought, what is the point of getting up when i'm simply going from the bed to the couch to watch t.v. all day?
at some point today i logged onto bishop gene robinson's blog. in case you don't know he's the gay episcopal bishop who's not covering it up. he lives openly in a relationship and this pisses off some people. episcoschmucks. anyway, the archbishop of cantebury hosts a meeting/conference of episcopal/anglican bishops from all over the world at cantebury in england every 10 years. bp robinson was specifically told not to attend this lambeth conference. so, he went to england but not to the conference itself. he is ministering to lgbt people and his blog entries are really moving.
i found some inspiration for myself today from a prayer that someone sent him from the book of common prayer.
This is another day, O Lord. I know not what it will bring forth, but make me ready, Lord, for whatever it may be. If I am to stand up, help me to stand bravely. If I am to sit still, help me to sit quietly. If I am to lie low, help me to do it patiently. And if I am to do nothing, let me do it gallantly. Make these words more than words, and give me the Spirit of Jesus. Amen.
so, i shall gallantly watch old episodes of lost on my computer and west wing on dvd and keep reading robinson's blog and pray for him. i invite you to pray for him too. especially if you find him to be your enemy.

my dog in the newspaper!

my dog, music, is the pretty one looking directly at the camera and posing. this was in today's ny post.

ON any given Sunday at the Church of the Holy Trinity on the Upper East Side, the choir sings a melodic hymn while one congregant chimes in with an enthusiastic jangle of his collar.

He's Music, a golden retriever and regular parishioner. And he's not the only dog in attendance; he's joined by four fellow canines and their human counterparts as they all celebrate in harmony.

Dogs have come a long way - once made to stay outside, they're welcome at some stores, hotels, boutiques. And now, church.

While dogs have

traditionally been allowed in churches for the Blessing of the Animals each October, many congregations are now welcoming canines at weekly services.

"It started because a parishioner was sick one weekend and felt like she could either take her dog for a walk or go to church, but not both," says the Rev. Michael Phillips, rector of the Church of the Holy Trinity.

"Then she thought, 'Why not combine them?' and she brought her dog to church. It's been happening ever since."

Music's owner

Jennifer Goodnow understands how some outsiders might be surprised by the multispecies congregation.

"I met a newcomer once who started going to the 8 o'clock service, and she thought it was a service for the blind because there were so many dogs," says Goodnow.

The majority of dog-toting parishioners claim they bring their pets to church as family members, rather than guests. "We're pretty active in this church," says Pam Synk, a Holy Trinity parishioner for more than 15 years and owner of Goldie, a yellow Lab.

"You start becoming more active when you're pulled in by your children. You try to make it a fun, family place for them, and the dog is part of our family, so we all go together."

What does the nonpet-owning population think about the canine addition? Phillips says that in his three years as rector, he has heard only one complaint, from a parishioner who suffered from allergies to pet dander. Otherwise, the animals have been welcomed with open arms.

"You come to church to have good thoughts, not be cross," says Kit Bradshaw, a 90-year-old dog-free congregant.

There's even potential for pup proselytizing. "Rocco is my neighbor's dog," says Goodnow, pointing to the Boston terrier sprawled in the aisle. "He is culturally Jewish but not practicing. I think he's ripe for conversion because every time I take him, he just stares at the altar with his jaw open. He is so into it."

Rocco's conversion will have to wait for another day, because the Mass has come to an end.

The choir has paraded down the center of the church in a final, thunderous song. The altar boys followed behind, and as the clergy came to the end of the aisle, each reached down in acknowledgement of their furriest congregants with pats on the head.

nun sighting - when it rains, it pours!

i was just thinking the other day that i hadn't seen a nun in a week or two and then boom! two in two days.
saw a nun getting on the crosstown bus at 86th and 3rd this a.m. as i was on my way to work.
in other news, i was hoping to visit the order of the holy paraclete's convent in swaziland where they run an orphanage for girls but i don't have the money for the very costly plane ticket. the taxes alone are $350! someone suggested that i ask people for their frequent flyer miles to be donated. hmmmmm.... asking for help. not an easy thing for a wasp like me. but, i'll pray about it. i really want to go this summer. please do pray for me.

nun sighting ... with a twist!

b/c this time i was on my way to visit a nun i know on her 50th anniversary of profession and i saw a completely different nun walking up 110th street - not part of the order i was about to visit! this was a catholic nun (50-50 suit w/veil). so, i saw a nun en route to see other nuns!
meanwhile, i enjoyed my tea with the nuns of community of the holy spirit and celebrated sr. mary christabel on her anniversary. she's a sage nun. i hope to be like her. wouldn't it be great to be a wise woman?
i'm noticing that most of my social occasions these days include priests and nuns.
hmmmmmm.....

eddie izzard on religion

i got this from the liturgy website and it's freakin hilarious. love eddie izzard.

spring in nyc

i am blissed out, sitting in my backyard, in a sunny spot. it's a beautiful day and we aren't having a good stretch of those this spring so i'm extra appreciative.

i was thinking this a.m. about people's stereotypes about nuns. i went to catholic school for nursery school until 8th grade. in the upper elementary school grades and middle school years, basically 4th - 8th grades, i had some really mean nuns for teachers. they couldn't hit us anymore (although one of my friends who grew up in the same neighb at the same time as i did but went to a different catholic school did have hitting nuns) so they humiliated us and yelled at us something fierce. it scared the hell out of me. and they were just ugly, mean women with god on their side, or so it seemed to us at the time. i'm sure they had little or no vocation to teaching and to the religious life but were tithed by their families and had less vocation to be nurses so we got stuck with them.
for high school i went to a private episcopal convent school and the nuns there were a whole other ball game. they treated us with respect. they were kind. they never yelled at us. they were patient with our teenaged ways. if i hadn't gone to that school and experienced those nuns i would probably have had a much more difficult time dealing with my own call to the religious life.
i would like to be the nun who changes people's ideas aobut nuns. i don't mean i'm going to be "cool." i'm not cool now i'm sure. but, i am quirky. and i'll keep being quirky. i'm also the most aquarian aquarius ever which can be a lot for others to handle.
i'm getting more and more ready all the time. i'm enjoying my life here but i'm starting to count down the days as it were.

nun sighting

a catholic nun with a peaked veil coming out of staples as i was walking in. this is a lot! every nun sighting i've had is a completely different nun. i never see the same nun twice. some people tell me that i see so many nuns b/c i have a sharp eye out for nuns b/c of my calling. i think that's pretty skeptical. no one in the u.s. sees this many nuns. i mean, really! sounds like the universe is telling me something.

nun sighting

a regular catholic nun in a suit from filene's basement and a white veil as i was coming out of tasti dlite on east 86th street. these nun sightings are really starting to wrack up!

nun sighting

but only if seeing a buddhist nun counts. she was walking down b'way past the duane reade. i think it counts.
also, i had a dream last night that i was visiting order of the holy paraclete in whitby, yorkshire. i was very happy and excited but also nervous - like the first day of first grade kind of feeling. i had to remind myself in the dream that i was only visiting for a couple of weeks, not moving in yet.
the funny thing is, when i did visit ohp a few years ago, i had an ego freakout and instead of hearing the small, still voice and the "ah, i'm home" feeling that i had hoped for, i heard a squeaky, shrieking voice in my head as i crossed the threshold saying, "I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!" like in monty python or something! so, i'm taking this dream to be propheticish.
when i live in spain, it'll be easier and cheaper for me to visit england and africa so i hope to take a couple of trips to each.
the first time i went, i was freezing ... in august. i had my little heater on. i shivered, my fingers were cold, i wore sweaters and jackets. not my ideal weather. we shall see.

my plan so far

well, i was hoping to go to swaziland this summer to visit order of the holy paraclete's orphanage for girls in bulembu village. however, i don't have the money for the plane ticket right now so we'll see. if not this summer, i certainly have plenty of other vacations as a teacher so plenty of other opportunities to visit.
meanwhile, i'm working on a plan to transition from this life to that one. i want to live in europe again before i enter the convent. i also want to be warm. i am a heat-seeking missile, a delicate hot house rose. so, i'm working out a plan to move to spain in a year and a bit. i probably can't teach english b/c i don't have e.u. citizenship, despite my qualifications (a masters in teaching english to speakers of other languages). i could tutor and teach online university like phoenix u. and i want to write. i have a couple of good stories in me. i'm thinking of doing this for a year or so. a gap year if you will. i will bring my dog and my bunny. i will sell everything i own. i will give up my life here, which i am getting ready to do. nyc is not for the middle class anymore. i can't afford it here as a single school teacher. i'd also like to live a slower-paced lifestyle than nyc. a mediterranean (sp?) lifestyle.
so far i am torn between moving to barcelona and seville. barcelona is colder. seville is right on the beach. barcelona has an anglican church with a woman rector. there's most likely a bigger expat scene in barcelona (my spanish sucks and i'm not going to have an easy time making friends with natives, plus, my experience of living abroad has taught me that i need american and english-speaking friends who get my humor and whose humor i get). barcelona is more expensive. i guess i could live in both places. i guess i don't have to make this decision right now.
i do enjoy imagining my dog and i walking along la playa. she is getting old - 10 and a half. i have to wait for her to die before i can enter the religious life! can't bring her with me to the convent. bunny bun bun will like spain too, i'm sure. he'll just hate getting there.
i'm going to flippin' love it!

nun sighting

i went to trader joe's today (usually a nightmare b/c it's so crowded w/new yorkers i want to push my cart into people's ankles) and i saw a couple of the missionaries of charity (the mo. teresa nuns) loading boxes of food from the service entry of t.j. into a van. i confirmed w/an employee, t.j. gives their excess food to the missionaries of charity. what a mazel!

nun sighting

saw a nun in blue habit w/white veil on 3rd ave. and 85th street. white veils used to mean a nun was a novice, but not with all habits and some orders have pretty much gotten rid of the term novice and are just sisters.

michael o'sullivan

i've noticed from my sitemeter thingy that you've visited my blog. i'd enjoy catching up with you - i want to hear how you've been! email me at episcogeekatyahoodotcom
jen

a second graders immigration story

i was reading a chapter from a book called the drinking gourd about a family of runaway slaves in the 19th century. they are walking from the south to canada to be free. the kids were really into the novel and didn't want it to stop at the end of the chapter. they are second graders and just developing an understanding of concepts like slavery. we talked about slavery in the u.s. and how hard it was for families like the one in the novel to walk all the way to canada with small children.
one of my kids raised his hand and said, my family walked from mexico to the united states when i was 7. we were caught by the police and sent back to mexico, then we walked back again. wow. that hit me like a ton of bricks. i know that many of my students made a tough journey to come here, but a lot of them were born here. this is also the age when kids start making the connection between characters in a book and their own lives. a lot of children's literature is about issues like being teased or bullied or having a baby sibling. this is a whole different level.

nun sightings

ever since i was called to the religious life i started seeing nuns around nyc. i see them on the subway, on the bus, at the symphony, riding bikes in the park, at the airport, random nun sightings. if i lived in ireland or rome this might be considered normal. in nyc there simply aren't that many nuns. they all seem to condense within my line of vision. at first i used to think it was god pressuring me to keep my vocation in mind or hurry up and become a nun. that is so not god's way. that would be my way if i were god so it's a good thing i'm not. thank god for god.
i often hear god speak to me through other people and i was telling a woman about how i see nuns everywhere and how at one point i was seeing three different nuns a week for several weeks. i mean, the average new yorker could go their whole lives these days without running into a nun. this woman said to me, how comforting of god to send you a reminder of your vocation. suddenly the nun sightings seemed less like a pressure stunt from god and more like, "i've got you covered. just so you remember what's important. keep your eye on the prize."
i decided i'd start documenting my nun sightings on this blog.
i saw a nun walking down 72nd street as i was passing by on the 2nd ave. bus last week. this pretty much doesn't count because i know that there is a convent on 72nd street between 2nd and 3rd avenues. that's too easy.
i saw two nuns in those mother theresa white with blue trim habits (can't remember the name of her order as i'm not catholic) just missing the r train as the doors closed at the lexingon avenue subway station on friday.
i never say anything to the nuns i see. but i think in my head, oh, you're my nun of the week, my reminder of what is important. thank you, sister.

a kick@ss lent

this lenten season is rockin for me. i don't give things up for lent - so far i believe that i will not only not grow spiritually if i give up chai - in fact, anyone in a 20 ft. radius of me would suffer for 40 days and nights. instead of giving things up, i take on a spiritual practice. sometimes it's yoga or meditation or praying the psalms daily.
my church recently joined a group called manhattan together. it's part of the industrial areas foundation. manhattan together is a consortium of congregations and social work organizations that listen to people's needs and work together to help get those needs taken care of. so, rather than us upper east siders stepping into harlem, say, and telling people, "you need x, y, and z and we are here to give it to you." like lady bountiful, we get to know our community and neighbors and ask them what they need and then look to our people power - resources, networks, sheer numbers - to make something happen.
a classic story is when some people who lived in a large apt. building in the bronx went to their parish priest saying, we need improvements in our apartments. they drew up an inventory of each apt. and what needed repairing and brought it to the (notorious) landlord who said he would fix it. and then he sent the tenants a letter stating that homeland security had asked for each tenant's name, social security number, address, and telephone number. one family moved out in the middle of the night but the rest went to the priest who went to the bronx version of manhattan together and they called their contacts at the housing authority and by the end of the story all the repairs were made and the tenants, who by working together got to know each other really well, had a big party.
this is a long way to describing my supercool lent but what we're doing at my church for lent is talking with each other to determine what issues come up for members of the congregation (almost all of us live in the neigb. of the church). now, i have been a parishioner at my church for 27 years - since i was 12 - and i am having conversations with people i have known most of my life that i have never had before. i'm learning about what really matters to people, what they notice about the neighborhood, about injustices large and small. the conversations are one-on-one and it's so amazing to see these people pairing off at coffee hour and talking. after the one-on-one i see these duos then walking out of church together, still talking, down the block, into the healthfood store, still talking. it's remarkable. i feel blessed and honored to be able to listen as people tell me what their lives are like or what they notice around us.
when we're done with our one-on-ones at church, we're going to talk with our neighbors in the community - there's a public h.s. and a housing project down the block. should be interesting to get to know the people we see all the time but don't know.
if you do lent, i hope yours is as kick butt as mine. i love lent. it's so quiet and soft. gentle and purple.

facts about swaziland

i am planning to go visit a convent in swaziland this summer - god willing. my plan is to use my tax refund (amount still unknown until i get my butt to my accountant) to pay for the trip. it's seriously expensive. no cheap flights to africa, i can tell you. they don't have those good relations with the middle east and their oil. and they can't invade like we did to get affordable gas.
i went to the cia world factbook to find out info about swaziland and this is what i found:
Population:
1,133,066
note: estimates for this country explicitly take into account the effects of excess mortality due to AIDS; this can result in lower life expectancy, higher infant mortality and death rates, lower population and growth rates, and changes in the distribution of population by age and sex than would otherwise be expected (July 2007 est.)

Age structure:
0-14 years: 40.3% (male 230,238/female 226,184)
15-64 years: 56.1% (male 304,899/female 331,036)
65 years and over: 3.6% (male 15,870/female 24,839) (2007 est.)

Population growth rate:
-0.337% (2007 est.)

Birth rate:
26.98 births/1,000 population (2007 est.)
Death rate:
30.35 deaths/1,000 population (2007 est.)

the fact that their death rate exceeds their birth rate is a shocker. i can't imagine what i will find when i go there. i have lived in europe and asia, and those were eye opening experiences for me (americans are so isolated). but, i've never been to the african continent, let alone sub-saharan africa.

the convent i'm visiting is a branch of the order of the holy paraclete whose mother house is in york, england. i went there a few years ago and felt ... odd, other. first of all it's freakin' cold there! i had my heater on in august. and the nuns, who are great, all had these posh accents so the daily office sounded like, "oh lohd, heayah ouwah prayah." all soft vowels and no final r's. when we drop our final r on the east coast of the u.s. it's a whole different thing.
the convent in swaziland have recently moved to a village called bulembu where they are running a girl's orphanage. i am very interested in that, and in teaching.
we'll see.

gratitude

i had an exhausting weekend - i had my own birthday party sat. night. my birthday is feb. 17 but that's during lent so i had my party two weeks early b/c i don't party during lent. i love lent - it's so quiet and soft. it's like the time between when i wake up before i get out of bed - 5 more minutes. i snuggle into my blankets and cuddle with the dog and it's soft and quiet and dark. lent to me is like 40 days of 5 more minutes and instead of cuddling with the dog, i'm burrowing in with god.
anyway, i had some friends over last night - very casual. then, sun. afternoon i hosted my godson connor's 9th birthday party. fortunately the weather here has been warm so the kids played outside in my backyard for a lot of the party. the kids at the party were connor's school friends, but mostly kids from church - his mom, mary and i grew up at our church and now we teach sun. school together and connor is in our class. it was nice to see the kids from our sun. school class in another setting than our classroom or even church.
at one point i was taking some garbage down to the basement and i was struck with a feeling of gratitude for my life, the life i've created, the community that i have through church and my friends.
i grew up with a family that had such pain and secrets they all had to medicate themselves thoroughly to be able to get through their day to day existense while carrying their pain. as a result, they were all unaware of the danger and pain i was in growing up. but, they are all gone now, thank god. i don't miss any of my family, i don't miss their dis-ease. and i have created a life for myself of friends, community, joy.
the trick is to enjoy my life while not trying to hold onto it. i can live it, one day at a time, but my life as it is now is not forever. and that's ok.

what the?

some guy made a horror movie ...
about vagina dentata ...
and called it Teeth!!!!!

i just watched the preview and i may never stop laughing.

it reminds me of my favorite margaret atwood poem:
you fit into me

you fit into me
like a hook into an eye

a fish hook
an open eye

no nunsense

i read in a book about nuns (sorry, can't remember the title or i'd reference it here) that in the oldie moldie days, when the catholics had 10 or more children, they would "tithe" one or two of their children to the church so you'd grow up your whole life hearing, "bobby, you're going to be a priest when you grow up." and "mary jane, you're going to be a nun." and it didn't matter if you had a vocation or not. living the religious life with no vocation makes one the meanest 5th grade math teacher ever. when i read that, a lot fell into place and made sense for me - i think many of my elementary school teachers might not have been called to the religious life.
nowadays, it's no longer the pride of a family to have clergy or monastics among your children. people ask me, "why would you want to be a nun and give everything up?" i am less intrigued with the "everything" that people are talking about. i am not called to marriage. i may have family life, but in an alternative way. there is no nuclear family in america anymore anyway.
in the west, nuns, monks, and priests are fewer but they have sure vocations. they make the choice, rather than having it thrust on them as in the past. this makes for a different kind of nun. also, people are called later in life, after living independently and alone. used to be you'd go from your father's house to the convent. from following your mother's rules to your reverend mother's rules. now the transition to obedience is not so easy (ok, i don't know that it was "easy" back then).
what's a 30 something (rapidly approaching 40 something) woman to do? guess i'll find out when the time is right.

taking care

my boyfriend and i broke up last week. we'd been together over three years - the longest i've been with anyone by a very long stretch. we're working out how to be friends - he's so important to me and i want to be friends.
i spent my entire life taking care of my mother's feelings, because she couldn't. then i took care of john's feelings, because he couldn't. now i have no one to take care of other than myself and i believe that it is time for me to take care of me and only me as i become more and more ready for my new life.
i've cut my hair into what i dub my "nun haircut." i've stopped coloring my hair for the first time since i was 19 years old. i've stopped wearing make up. and now i've left my romantic relationship.
in my past, i used to try to fill up the god-sized hole in my life with a man. i used to look to men to make everything better for me, everything from my past. i stopped doing that several years ago. now i have a man-sized hole instead of a god-sized hole. that is more manageable.
i truly believe that when something leaves our lives, there is that much more room for the universe to fill up that space with something better. i think that space is more room for me. more room for god.
i want to go to bulembu as early as possible. maybe by my next vacation, which is during lent. i would love to be in africa for lent.