the empty mouse house

when i was in first grade at st. ignatius loyola school we used to go to church for holy days of obligation. this was back in the days when i didn't know i'd been baptized episcopalian. i went to catholic school b/c i wasn't zoned for a good public school and my mother and her mother went to convent schools so on it went with me. i used to look at the tabernacle which was very fancy, made of marble with golden doors, and i pretended it was a house for church mice. i call it the mouse house to this day.

so, tonight we had our maundy thursday service at my church and the foot washing is always a funny thing (i had my foot done - we only do one). i love the part where simon peter tells jesus - you won't wash my feet! only to change it to - wash not only my feet but my hands and head also! what a doofus. i love simon peter because he is the disciple who consistently puts his foot in his mouth (let's build a booth on this mountainside where we saw jesus transfigured! i can walk on water ... oops! no i can't! what a dope.). he is just like me - duh!

anyway, it was a festive kind of service (for episcopalians, honestly, i cannot WAIT to get to africa and see how they worship there) with all of us standing around the altar table, passing baskets of bread and cups of wine to each other for eucharist.
then, we went back to our pews and the priests stripped the altar and sanctuary of all decorations while a quartet chanted the 22nd psalm. it's always very moving for me and really gets me into the spirit of the mourning and loss the disciples must have felt during these few days. at my church, the priests remove pew cushions, hymnals, books of common prayer, those table cloth things (there's some fancy liturgical name for them but i don't know what it is). the final thing to be removed is the consecrated bread and wine that is in the mouse house. there is an eternal flame over the mouse house and that is extinguished. then, the bread and wine are taken away, and the mouse house door is left open, an empty mouse house exposed. i am telling you it gets me every time! i don't believe in transubstantiation per se but it hits me like a ton of bricks every year when i see that! and i think to myself - i miss him! where is he?! when will he be back? i get really lost and sad.

nun sighting - with backup!

i saw a nun on the subway today and i was with a friend (who says the only time she ever sees nuns is when she's with me). i told my friend that i think it's good to see some of these nuns with someone else beside me so it's not like snuffleuphagus (i.e. all in my head for those who did not grow up with snuffy being a character that only big bird could see on sesame street. they kept him a b.b. only friend during the early 70's and then made it so everyone could see him b/c research tests or some shit showed that kids were going slightly wonky over the fact that only big bird could see snuffleuphagus who wasn't invisible or imaginary, he would simply walk off just before maria or bob or mr. hooper or someone would come by).

nun drive by

on the way home from taking the stray cat i have adopted to the vet (he bit me when they took his temperature. hey, if someone took my temp that way i'd probably bite too) i saw a nun on 72nd and 1st out the bus window. there is a convent on 72nd street a couple of blocks up from 1st ave. so that feels a little like cheating. i think a true nun sighting is when i'm in a completely random place like central park or on a bus late at night or in midtown.
on another note, today is my 40th birthday. i am in a new decade and this is the decade in which i enter a convent (god willing) so that's pretty cool.
i'd like to go to africa to visit ohp's house in swaziland and i'm trying to decide if i should go over easter vaca (i get a week and a half) or in the summer (when i can take more time).
in the meantime, i am gearing up for lent! i love lent! for me it's the spiritual "5 more minutes" snuggling under the blankets in the cold winter with god and jesus. mmmmm....

nun sighting

saw a pair of mother theresa nuns on 86th and 3rd. nuns always used to go about in pairs and don't anymore for practicallity's sake (there are so fewer nuns you can't spare one to accompany another one on her errands). but, those mo. theresa nuns still bop about in pairs. must be loads of them. what a wonderful witness they are to christ's love and compassion embodied on earth in their white habits with blue trim. the colors remind me of the greek flag, the israeli flag, the flag of norway(?) and esp. of the greek diner to-go coffee cup!

but it's hell in the hallway

there's a twist on the "when god closes one door" expression which goes:
when god closes one door (s)he opens another ... but it's hell in the hallway.
over the years i have learned to accept and even like the hallway. it provides rest time (i love, love, love rest) and allows me to slow down and think about what direction i'm being called to.
i had planned to move to barcelona with dog and bunny in the fall of 2009 and live for a year or two, working online part-time, tutoring a little for cash, relaxing on the beach a lot, making friends. i decided i needed some transition time before going from this life i have here to the convent. to go straight from one to the other without a breather would be more difficult. i also can't go with my dog so i have to wait for her to die. i'm not giving her away. i just couldn't. i want to be with her at the end, hold her paw and say good-bye. kiss her nosey-posey. say i love her.
anyway, i decided if we have to wait, we can do it some place warm, with beaches, in europe.
however, with the financial crisis, i'm thinking this is not the time to leave my cheap apt. and steady job. so, into the hallway i go.
my spiritual life is hallwayesque as well. i go to the community of the holy spirit when i can. i'm an associate there. my spiritual director is there.
i'm praying the daily office with this great book by phyllis tickle that maps out the different prayer services of the day: morning prayer, noonday, vespers, compline. it's really easy to follow and beautifully written.
i'm just waiting.
i haven't written because there's little to write about.
could be that way for a while.

how much do i love god?

i read on a friend's facebook page the dorothy day quote - i love god only as much as the person i love the least. that has really been buzzing in my brain for the last few days since i read it. there are a lot of people i don't love. people that get on my nerves. people that i think are against me. people that i hate.
i saw a man yesterday who i sometimes see in the neighb. he was walking ahead of me up the subway stairs out to the street. he used to go to my church and when i was a teenager, unbeknownst to me, he was sexually abusing a dear friend of mine from youth group. i found out about the abuse years later. everytime i see this man, this pedophile, it absolutely gallls me. i get so upset i shake. i want to spit on him! i'm not sure why he isn't in jail. something about the statute of limitations. as soon as i saw him i thought of that dorothy day quote - it just popped right into my head! i have not come to any conclusion or answer ... i'm just mulling it over with god for now. i don't feel like i have to love this person - that is too much to consider for now. but, maybe i can let go and let god love this man. maybe i can look at him as a flawed child of god instead of as a pedophile, an abuser, evil.
being a christian does not mean being a doormat. i'm not suggesting i forgive and forget - this man is still a danger to teenaged boys. i do not believe that there is a cure for pedophilia. however, there is a cure for self-righteous anger and hatred. i am so sorry for my friend. i am sorry that there are people who hurt children teenagers, animals, victims who can't defend themselves. i can't understand it all and i don't have to. that's not my job. it's god's job. i can let god do her job.

double dip nun sighting(s)

a couple of weeks ago i saw a nun on third and 60th while i was zipping by on the bus. then, a few block later, another nun - different habit,different order but both in full habits! i'm telling you, no one else in nyc sees this many nuns. my friends are more "aware" of nuns now b/c i'm always talking about seeing nuns so you'd think they might start seeing nuns too, like you see nuns when you're aware of them and looking for them kind of thing. except, no. i'm still the only one seeing nuns on a regular basis.
so, i'm asking myself, as i get closer to doing this, i have two vocations: one for being a religious and one for teaching in africa. if i had to choose, which one comes first? if i enter ohp will i go to africa? and if i can't go to africa, can i live in england - where it's cold and rainy all the time - and not teach and not be in africa? seeing nuns so very very very much makes me think that the nun thing is not a coinkydink. it's a real calling.
more will be revealed.

john stewart on sarah pallin

nun sighting

i haven't had a nun sighting in a while but i also haven't been out in a while. i had bunion surgery - while i have health insurance and summers off i thought it would be a good idea. i spent all of july in my apt. with my foot propped up. blah. i'm just getting out and about these last couple of weeks.
i started going to school this week to set up my classroom. i saw a nun on the subway platform. she was asian, wearing a gray habit with a white veil. she was alone. it reminded me of the days when nuns used to go about in pairs. for safety? to keep them from temptation? well, whatever the reason, it seems to be impractical now. they go solo.

bunny hero

i doubt my bunny, bunny bun bun, would save my life from a fire! maybe the dog would.
pet bunny saves family from house fire

and all manner of things shall be exceedingly well

i had bunion surgery and have been sitting with my foot up for 3 weeks. i've been pretty ok - lots of visits from friends and LOTS of help from friends makes it easier. but, lately, i've been getting seriously stir crazy. i've been holed up in my apt. the entire time save one doctor's appt. 2 weeks ago. i haven't even been out to my garden b/c i really needed to lie down with my foot elevated for the swelling. last night i had a temper tantrum. that helped.
today i got even more help. i woke up at 11 am (it's summer vacation for this teacher so i go to bed at 2 am). i woke up and thought, what is the point of getting up when i'm simply going from the bed to the couch to watch t.v. all day?
at some point today i logged onto bishop gene robinson's blog. in case you don't know he's the gay episcopal bishop who's not covering it up. he lives openly in a relationship and this pisses off some people. episcoschmucks. anyway, the archbishop of cantebury hosts a meeting/conference of episcopal/anglican bishops from all over the world at cantebury in england every 10 years. bp robinson was specifically told not to attend this lambeth conference. so, he went to england but not to the conference itself. he is ministering to lgbt people and his blog entries are really moving.
i found some inspiration for myself today from a prayer that someone sent him from the book of common prayer.
This is another day, O Lord. I know not what it will bring forth, but make me ready, Lord, for whatever it may be. If I am to stand up, help me to stand bravely. If I am to sit still, help me to sit quietly. If I am to lie low, help me to do it patiently. And if I am to do nothing, let me do it gallantly. Make these words more than words, and give me the Spirit of Jesus. Amen.
so, i shall gallantly watch old episodes of lost on my computer and west wing on dvd and keep reading robinson's blog and pray for him. i invite you to pray for him too. especially if you find him to be your enemy.

my dog in the newspaper!

my dog, music, is the pretty one looking directly at the camera and posing. this was in today's ny post.

ON any given Sunday at the Church of the Holy Trinity on the Upper East Side, the choir sings a melodic hymn while one congregant chimes in with an enthusiastic jangle of his collar.

He's Music, a golden retriever and regular parishioner. And he's not the only dog in attendance; he's joined by four fellow canines and their human counterparts as they all celebrate in harmony.

Dogs have come a long way - once made to stay outside, they're welcome at some stores, hotels, boutiques. And now, church.

While dogs have

traditionally been allowed in churches for the Blessing of the Animals each October, many congregations are now welcoming canines at weekly services.

"It started because a parishioner was sick one weekend and felt like she could either take her dog for a walk or go to church, but not both," says the Rev. Michael Phillips, rector of the Church of the Holy Trinity.

"Then she thought, 'Why not combine them?' and she brought her dog to church. It's been happening ever since."

Music's owner

Jennifer Goodnow understands how some outsiders might be surprised by the multispecies congregation.

"I met a newcomer once who started going to the 8 o'clock service, and she thought it was a service for the blind because there were so many dogs," says Goodnow.

The majority of dog-toting parishioners claim they bring their pets to church as family members, rather than guests. "We're pretty active in this church," says Pam Synk, a Holy Trinity parishioner for more than 15 years and owner of Goldie, a yellow Lab.

"You start becoming more active when you're pulled in by your children. You try to make it a fun, family place for them, and the dog is part of our family, so we all go together."

What does the nonpet-owning population think about the canine addition? Phillips says that in his three years as rector, he has heard only one complaint, from a parishioner who suffered from allergies to pet dander. Otherwise, the animals have been welcomed with open arms.

"You come to church to have good thoughts, not be cross," says Kit Bradshaw, a 90-year-old dog-free congregant.

There's even potential for pup proselytizing. "Rocco is my neighbor's dog," says Goodnow, pointing to the Boston terrier sprawled in the aisle. "He is culturally Jewish but not practicing. I think he's ripe for conversion because every time I take him, he just stares at the altar with his jaw open. He is so into it."

Rocco's conversion will have to wait for another day, because the Mass has come to an end.

The choir has paraded down the center of the church in a final, thunderous song. The altar boys followed behind, and as the clergy came to the end of the aisle, each reached down in acknowledgement of their furriest congregants with pats on the head.

nun sighting - when it rains, it pours!

i was just thinking the other day that i hadn't seen a nun in a week or two and then boom! two in two days.
saw a nun getting on the crosstown bus at 86th and 3rd this a.m. as i was on my way to work.
in other news, i was hoping to visit the order of the holy paraclete's convent in swaziland where they run an orphanage for girls but i don't have the money for the very costly plane ticket. the taxes alone are $350! someone suggested that i ask people for their frequent flyer miles to be donated. hmmmmm.... asking for help. not an easy thing for a wasp like me. but, i'll pray about it. i really want to go this summer. please do pray for me.

nun sighting ... with a twist!

b/c this time i was on my way to visit a nun i know on her 50th anniversary of profession and i saw a completely different nun walking up 110th street - not part of the order i was about to visit! this was a catholic nun (50-50 suit w/veil). so, i saw a nun en route to see other nuns!
meanwhile, i enjoyed my tea with the nuns of community of the holy spirit and celebrated sr. mary christabel on her anniversary. she's a sage nun. i hope to be like her. wouldn't it be great to be a wise woman?
i'm noticing that most of my social occasions these days include priests and nuns.
hmmmmmm.....

eddie izzard on religion

i got this from the liturgy website and it's freakin hilarious. love eddie izzard.

spring in nyc

i am blissed out, sitting in my backyard, in a sunny spot. it's a beautiful day and we aren't having a good stretch of those this spring so i'm extra appreciative.

i was thinking this a.m. about people's stereotypes about nuns. i went to catholic school for nursery school until 8th grade. in the upper elementary school grades and middle school years, basically 4th - 8th grades, i had some really mean nuns for teachers. they couldn't hit us anymore (although one of my friends who grew up in the same neighb at the same time as i did but went to a different catholic school did have hitting nuns) so they humiliated us and yelled at us something fierce. it scared the hell out of me. and they were just ugly, mean women with god on their side, or so it seemed to us at the time. i'm sure they had little or no vocation to teaching and to the religious life but were tithed by their families and had less vocation to be nurses so we got stuck with them.
for high school i went to a private episcopal convent school and the nuns there were a whole other ball game. they treated us with respect. they were kind. they never yelled at us. they were patient with our teenaged ways. if i hadn't gone to that school and experienced those nuns i would probably have had a much more difficult time dealing with my own call to the religious life.
i would like to be the nun who changes people's ideas aobut nuns. i don't mean i'm going to be "cool." i'm not cool now i'm sure. but, i am quirky. and i'll keep being quirky. i'm also the most aquarian aquarius ever which can be a lot for others to handle.
i'm getting more and more ready all the time. i'm enjoying my life here but i'm starting to count down the days as it were.

nun sighting

a catholic nun with a peaked veil coming out of staples as i was walking in. this is a lot! every nun sighting i've had is a completely different nun. i never see the same nun twice. some people tell me that i see so many nuns b/c i have a sharp eye out for nuns b/c of my calling. i think that's pretty skeptical. no one in the u.s. sees this many nuns. i mean, really! sounds like the universe is telling me something.

nun sighting

a regular catholic nun in a suit from filene's basement and a white veil as i was coming out of tasti dlite on east 86th street. these nun sightings are really starting to wrack up!

nun sighting

but only if seeing a buddhist nun counts. she was walking down b'way past the duane reade. i think it counts.
also, i had a dream last night that i was visiting order of the holy paraclete in whitby, yorkshire. i was very happy and excited but also nervous - like the first day of first grade kind of feeling. i had to remind myself in the dream that i was only visiting for a couple of weeks, not moving in yet.
the funny thing is, when i did visit ohp a few years ago, i had an ego freakout and instead of hearing the small, still voice and the "ah, i'm home" feeling that i had hoped for, i heard a squeaky, shrieking voice in my head as i crossed the threshold saying, "I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE! RUN AWAY! RUN AWAY!" like in monty python or something! so, i'm taking this dream to be propheticish.
when i live in spain, it'll be easier and cheaper for me to visit england and africa so i hope to take a couple of trips to each.
the first time i went, i was freezing ... in august. i had my little heater on. i shivered, my fingers were cold, i wore sweaters and jackets. not my ideal weather. we shall see.

my plan so far

well, i was hoping to go to swaziland this summer to visit order of the holy paraclete's orphanage for girls in bulembu village. however, i don't have the money for the plane ticket right now so we'll see. if not this summer, i certainly have plenty of other vacations as a teacher so plenty of other opportunities to visit.
meanwhile, i'm working on a plan to transition from this life to that one. i want to live in europe again before i enter the convent. i also want to be warm. i am a heat-seeking missile, a delicate hot house rose. so, i'm working out a plan to move to spain in a year and a bit. i probably can't teach english b/c i don't have e.u. citizenship, despite my qualifications (a masters in teaching english to speakers of other languages). i could tutor and teach online university like phoenix u. and i want to write. i have a couple of good stories in me. i'm thinking of doing this for a year or so. a gap year if you will. i will bring my dog and my bunny. i will sell everything i own. i will give up my life here, which i am getting ready to do. nyc is not for the middle class anymore. i can't afford it here as a single school teacher. i'd also like to live a slower-paced lifestyle than nyc. a mediterranean (sp?) lifestyle.
so far i am torn between moving to barcelona and seville. barcelona is colder. seville is right on the beach. barcelona has an anglican church with a woman rector. there's most likely a bigger expat scene in barcelona (my spanish sucks and i'm not going to have an easy time making friends with natives, plus, my experience of living abroad has taught me that i need american and english-speaking friends who get my humor and whose humor i get). barcelona is more expensive. i guess i could live in both places. i guess i don't have to make this decision right now.
i do enjoy imagining my dog and i walking along la playa. she is getting old - 10 and a half. i have to wait for her to die before i can enter the religious life! can't bring her with me to the convent. bunny bun bun will like spain too, i'm sure. he'll just hate getting there.
i'm going to flippin' love it!